Seriously, how many episodes are left. I went into this episode bored, and I left bored but also angry. And I have feelings for Sean.
You guys, I’m falling for him. Hard.
So, the show basically opens with Sean in his boxer briefs. Then Chris Harrison sneaks out of the wardrobe, wipes the drool off his chin, and gives the date card to the Meadow Soprano. (Seriously! Doesn’t she look like her?)
Selma from the Bach
Jamie Lynn Sigler, aka Meadow Soprano. I WIN THE INTERNET.
OK! So Sean and Meadow Soprano get in a private plane and Meadow breaks all manner of FAA regulations by sitting on his lap for the entire flight. Perhaps she is trying to cover up the fact that Sean is wearing pink capris? But Chris Harrison picked them out for him, so the producers weren’t allowed to make him change. They look good over his boxer briefs.
Anyway! Meadow Soprano is apparently some kind of glamour girl? (Is it weird that on this show the glamour girl people look the same as the outdoorsy people?) So it’s funny that Sean took her to the desert? Also funny because she’s Iraqi? This is where I started drinking.
I’m not really sure what Meadow Soprano was expecting when Sean told her to show up for the date wearing sweatpants (tight, please), but it surely was not climbing a rock. But he is testing her! He laughs about it, but he’s also serious! She is afraid of heights! And snakes! And heat! I feel like I am Meadow Soprano right now. All three of those things, plus a little buzzed.
OK, so they make it, because climbing this really fucking huge rock was a metaphor for overcoming troubles (ding!), and then Tierra shows up and pushes Meadow into the vast desert. JK! They just climb down, I guess. They don’t show that part.
OK, but listen. Here is where it all happens. They go for dinner in a romantic trailer park (is there really such a place??? In an episode full of ridiculous things, this might be the most. For now…). (Also, this is the first time I noticed that sometimes Sean has dead eyes. As soon as the girl looks away, he gets this vacant look. It only lasts a moment, but I imagine he spends that moment thinking of Chris Harrison. As does Chris Harrison.)
But while Sean’s eyes are busy being dead, Meadow Soprano’s eyes are trying to kiss Sean. But her lips and her parents are like, no. Because even though she is a grown woman and clearly does not agree with the restrictive upbringing of her culture and, again, she is a grown woman, she cannot kiss Sean on camera. Now, I have no problem with her not kissing him. If she was like, if we start hitting it, it’s going to muddle my feelings and I need to be clear for this to work. Or if she was like, it is my personal belief that we shouldn’t already be kissing. Or, this is a private intimate moment that I don’t want on camera. But instead she was like, my mom will be mad. Lady. Carmella ain’t gonna be that mad. And if she is, guess what? You’re a daggun adult! And then she kept saying “I wish I could kiss you!” and I kept saying “YOU CAN” and her eyes were like “I want to kiss her!” and Sean was like, now I just want to kiss her more. And it’s just. It’s all too much.
So after twenty-five hours of non-kissing, it’s time for the group date! Another sweatpants date! I sort of feel like I could be on this show. In fact, I’m on this show right now. Anyhoots, the ladies go to an abandoned warehouse where there find they are going to do…roller derby! Including One-Armed Sarah who has balance issues because she has only one arm! Fuck you, producers! But it all worked out as they planned, because she got a chance for Sean to tell her she could do it, and she did. Unfortunately, Stank Face Amanda fell on her Stank Face and broke it. Now, earlier in the date she had been telling people that she was an experienced roller derby-er to psych them out, and it totally worked. But then she broke her face and had to go to the hospital. For such a manipulator, I think she handled it pretty well. In fact, I really started to like her. There’s just something appealing about the fact that she’s being a total ho, but she’s upfront about it.
Unlike…Tierra! Tierra! As Catherine says, Tierrable. It’s trending, people. After they cancel the BOUT (not a game, not a match. I don’t even know anything about anything and I know it’s called a daggun bout) so nobody else breaks their face, they have the most boring roller disco ever and they change into weird outfits and go to a place with a lot of hallways to sit around and fight with each other.
Stank Face Amanda comes back and she’s fine! She milks it a little with Sean, but she’s upfront about it so we’re cool. But Tierra. Tierra can’t handle someone else having the broken-faced glory. Robyn baits her a little (she totally does!) and Tierra loses her shit and is all I won’t be abused like this! And she pulls Sean away from his time with (who was that? AshLee? Political Lesley?) to be all I’m going home! And if I were Sean, I would be all, golly, I’m sorry to hear that but if you are so unhappy I’ll walk you out. But instead he’s all, I really like you I hope you stay.
Does he seriously not see how she just manipulated that? He thinks she’s insecure, but he doesn’t see that she throws a fit every time anyone gets attention? And that THIS is the real metaphor for their future relationship? And that she says she’s not the “drama girl,” which means she is a liar because she is SO the drama girl!
Back at the house, Poker Leslie is trying on her Pretty Woman diamond earrings and wondering what to wear on her date with Sean, who agreed to the producers facilitating the product placement that got her the diamond earrings. She’s looking in the mirror, tossing her hair this way and that, dreaming a precious dream. A dream where a handsome man takes her shopping on Rodeo Drive and buys her an unflattering dress and lets her borrow a gigantic necklace that clashes with the dress from his famous friend and then takes her to dinner where he tells her that he’s just not feeling it and sends her home. Except it’s not a dream. That’s what happened. And then Sean was left to listen to the contractually obligated Ben Taylor sing Sade by himself. The rose fell. Petals dropped. His heart, his heart was breaking. Chris Harrison wiped his eyes furtively on his shirtsleeve.
Several things bothered me about this date. First, are we not wearing belts or cummerbunds with tuxedos anymore? I’m not sure how I feel about that. I DO feel GROSS about the fucking Pretty Woman love. I mean, the movie is fun and maybe sweet and a MOVIE. About a PROSTITUTE who is treated like SHIT and like a COMMODITY but her magic hoo-ha cures the lonely rich guy. That is fine for fiction! Not for life! If a guy is an asshole, he is probably not broken inside! He is probably just an asshole! Let’s stop with that fantasy, please! But the one that is more present, the one that made my face fall off, is the one wherein every girl in the house was like, it’s my dream to be taken shopping! THAT IS NOT YOUR DREAM. It cannot be. Surely we are not raising our young women to measure their worth to their partner based on what he is willing to spend on her? We totally are! Mother fucker, we totally are.
Anyway, Poker Leslie went home. She didn’t cry and I was proud of her. And it’s probably a good thing she went home because Tierra would have straight-up murdered her when she got back to the house.
But instead, Tierra apologized to Katie Holmes and Jackie (who’s Jackie? And what did she do?) and said that drama is so not her and then her head exploded. Then Catherine knocked Sean over the head and dragged him away. They apparently have a connection? I haven’t seen it, but what do I know. Then Chris has a tray of roses plus one rose tucked away in his back pocket, the one he keeps under his pillow. And here’s who is coming back next week:
Tierra, who is so not drama
Lindsay who doesn’t have a nickname yet
Robyn, who Tierra murdered with her eyes so she might not actually be back
Jackie (who is Jackie??)
And then! I thought for sure it would be Stank Face Amanda! But Sean broke my heart and her jaw and gave the rose to Daniella. Scandalous! More shocking than last week’s Downton Abbey!
So, that’s what happened. Next is a fucking two-day event so I’m really fucking looking forward to that. Also, is someone getting injured every daggun episode? The most dangerous Bachelor yet? Wait, is Chris Harrison hatching a secret plot to take out all of the women and keep Sean and his boxer briefs for himself????
I would watch the hell out of that.