So, Outlander Wedding. Really, this was like the most sweet, romantic, wonderful episode of TV probably ever.
As usze, we start with Claire remembering her life with Frank (who is, mercifully, nothing like Captain Jack Poo Poo Head), and we see a short reminiscence of her impromptu wedding, which I will share here because she is SO CUTE.
But ha ha she’s not married to Frank. (Well, technically she is. How would this hold up in court? Probably they would just stone her, what with her being a woman and all.) We get a quick cut to her new marriage two hundred years in the past:
So, OK. Jamie and Claire. Married! So romantic! They are totally comfortable together and in love!
Ha ha, it’s awkward. But they have to consummate it or it ain’t legal, and if it ain’t legal, Captain Poopy Pants is a-gonna get his flog on. But Jamie is not a rapist (OMG so romantic!), so even though he’s like super excited to not be a virgin anymore and also he is in love with Claire, he’s all, how can I make Claire feel more at home in this dark inn?
Claire is all, why did you marry me? And Jamie is all, because I am the most wonderful man alive and I am about to spoil Every Reader for any other Actual Human Man and I’m Not Sorry. But mostly to protect you from Black Jack due to, well, you saw the last episode, right?
Then we get some fancy storytelling, wherein we flash it back to the stables where Jamie and the Wedding Planners (aka Ned and Murtagh and Dougal) work out the legal details and whether this Crazy Plan will Actually Work.
Back at the inn, Claire is clearly moved and she’s like, well, maybe we can make out a little. Jamie goes in for the smooch, and Claire is all JK TELL ME ABOUT YOUR FAMILY. And since Jamie is the Best Ever, he’s all, OK, here is a small storytelling montage. Go ahead and drink some more.
But even a montage is not enough for some people, and we get these two:
Did you guys do it or what? ask Rupus and Angert. No. No, they have not. Ha ha disparaging remarks about Jamie’s manhood, comments about Claire’s boobs, Jamie hurls them out. And Claire is laughing but then she’s like, well, it is getting late, and you are super-hot. Shall we go to bed? And Jamie makes this face and says:
OMG, right? 2 Cute!
They smooch it out and Claire is all, hey, you’re good at kissing and Jamie is all, I know I am very manly. I shall now take off (most of) your clothes and proceed to ravage you.
Three seconds later…
Listen, there’s a whole mess of cute things that happen in this episode that are direct from the book and it is hard enough for me to narrow down the 100 screen shots I captured, so, just, read the book. Because there are some jokes here, wherein Jamie confesses that he thought they would do it front to back like horses (!!! I can’t.), and also that Murtagh was right, that women don’t like it. But I did like it, said Claire, which is problematic, due to still being in love with her first husband, Frank. She is so distressed that she needs a snack (I feel it, girl).
Except that they are staying at the inn where all of the other MacKenzies are downstairs drinking and waiting to see how much SexxyTimes are going to happen. Jamie, being a gentleman, goes down to get the snacks and to bear the brunt of the razzin’.
We also learn how Jamie came to be married (and deflowered) in the Fraser tartan instead of the MacKenzie one we are used to seeing him in. It’s all because of Murtagh, who got him the kilt, and Jamie is all, don’t you think Claire is the prettiest don’t you think my mom would have loved her? And Murtagh is all, I hate feelings! But I see that saying that has hurt your feelings so I will tell you that your mom was the Best Woman Ever and Claire is also Pretty Great.
It also comes to pass that Jamie had three requirements in order for him to marry the woman of his dreams. We get the details in delightfully charming flashbacks.
The first was: that he would be married in a church by a priest.
So Dougal and Willie go to beat up the village priest, who is all, I won’t perform the wedding without the banns! And then Priest and Willie have an amazing Bible Verse-Off and just when Willie is about to lose, Dougal is all, OK, Priest in a Drafty Outlying Parish, I’ll give you some windows.
Jamie’s second condition is a ring, which must be fashioned out of this here key that has absolutely no significance whatsoever don’t worry about it. The ring is achieved thusly:
Do you really not remember the day at all, asks Jamie. And Claire is all, well, I had a wee hangover. So Jamie is all, let me describe it in great detail while the audience swoons:
So. Jamie officially introduces himself. “James Alexander Malcolm MacKenzie Fraser.” JAMMF for short. My Boyfriend for even shorter.
Here we go.
Hide the evidence of any previous weddings.
Say what the priest says to say.
Say what Jamie says to say.
Smooch it out.
Die at side-smile.
So, Claire is now sufficiently caught up on the events of the wedding. It was pretty romantic. She looked pretty. JAMMF gave her the side-smile of love. And there he is, bringing her snacks in the wedding chamber. And, so, OK, he’s not great at sex, but he sure is handsome.
Just to be sure that he is handsome, she stands up and is all, “Take off your shirt.”
JAMMF, ever obedient, obliges.
And then he’s all, take off your outfit thinger. And she obliges and then PA-POW it all happens! And Jamie is all, did I hurt you? And Claire is all, Nope, that just means you Did It Right. And she is floaty and smiley had happy because guess what, she married a Sex Prodigy.
After Just OK sex, Claire feels peckish. After Super Educational Sex Prodigy Sex, Claire gets Hella Hungry. So she heads on down to the now-empty tavern for a snack.
Unfortunately, there is also Dougal.
Remember how wonderful Dougal was in the last episode? When Claire was being punched by Black Jack and Dougal all stormed in and was like, peace out and I’m taking the Sassenach? And then he was like, well, if you’re sure you’re not a spy, I’m going to marry you off to my hot nephew?
Yeah, that don’t last.
Because he’s all, oh, I see you finally had sex with my nephew. Maybe now I can interest you in “sampling other pleasures.”
Back in the room, Claire is watching the fire and Jamie is practicing his Romance Novel Cover Posing (I WISH).
Then he goes into his purse (JK, I know it’s called a sporran but all of this shirtless JAMMF is messing me up) and pulls out a lovely string of pearls, which belonged to his mother. She is dead and he don’t have much of hers left to remember her by, so they are very precious to him.
“As are you, Claire.”
The next morning, they are cute and in love and JAMMF is like hurry up and get dressed or I shall ravish you again and I’m all CLAIRE DON’T GET DRESSED but she does. As she shakes out her wedding dress (while her breasts silently weep because the taste of freedom was So Sweet and So Brief), what should fall delicately to the floor, LOTR-style:
So, remember a minute ago when she was happy? Because she was starting to develop feelings for this wonderful, romantic, strong, handsome warrior who is so totally into her?
Next time: Ugh, who cares! I’m too mad. Because next episode is the last before the mid-season break and the hiatus lasts until APRIL. Frigging April! What am I supposed to do until then? Write my own novels?
In the meantime, may I suggest tumblr?