BUTTS!!! – Outlander Episode 7

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So, Outlander Wedding.  Really, this was like the most sweet, romantic, wonderful episode of TV probably ever.

But mostly:

Get ready, people.  This is how it's going to go down.

I am twelve.  Also: MS Paint.

As usze, we start with Claire remembering her life with Frank (who is, mercifully, nothing like Captain Jack Poo Poo Head), and we see a short reminiscence of her impromptu wedding, which I will share here because she is SO CUTE.



But ha ha she’s not married to Frank.  (Well, technically she is.  How would this hold up in court?  Probably they would just stone her, what with her being a woman and all.)  We get a quick cut to her new marriage two hundred years in the past:

Dee de dee.

Dee de dee.

So, OK.  Jamie and Claire.  Married!  So romantic!  They are totally comfortable together and in love!

RIP Claire's lungs.

RIP Claire’s lungs.
And by lungs I mean boobs.

Ha ha, it’s awkward.  But they have to consummate it or it ain’t legal, and if it ain’t legal, Captain Poopy Pants is a-gonna get his flog on.  But Jamie is not a rapist (OMG so romantic!), so even though he’s like super excited to not be a virgin anymore and also he is in love with Claire, he’s all, how can I make Claire feel more at home in this dark inn?


Mmm hmm

Claire is all, why did you marry me?  And Jamie is all, because I am the most wonderful man alive and I am about to spoil Every Reader for any other Actual Human Man and I’m Not Sorry.  But mostly to protect you from Black Jack due to, well, you saw the last episode, right?

Then we get some fancy storytelling, wherein we flash it back to the stables where Jamie and the Wedding Planners (aka Ned and Murtagh and Dougal) work out the legal details and whether this Crazy Plan will Actually Work.

Also, Dougal mentions her breasts.  RIP.

Also, Dougal mentions her breasts. RIP.

Back at the inn, Claire is clearly moved and she’s like, well, maybe we can make out a little. Jamie goes in for the smooch, and Claire is all JK TELL ME ABOUT YOUR FAMILY.  And since Jamie is the Best Ever, he’s all, OK, here is a small storytelling montage.  Go ahead and drink some more.

But even a montage is not enough for some people, and we get these two:

These two.

These two.

Did you guys do it or what? ask Rupus and Angert.  No.  No, they have not.  Ha ha disparaging remarks about Jamie’s manhood, comments about Claire’s boobs, Jamie hurls them out.  And Claire is laughing but then she’s like, well, it is getting late, and you are super-hot.  Shall we go to bed?  And Jamie makes this face and says:

To bed...or to sleep?

“To bed…or to sleep?”

OMG, right?  2 Cute!

They smooch it out and Claire is all, hey, you’re good at kissing and Jamie is all, I know I am very manly.  I shall now take off (most of) your clothes and proceed to ravage you.

Three seconds later…

wedding27Listen, there’s a whole mess of cute things that happen in this episode that are direct from the book and it is hard enough for me to narrow down the 100 screen shots I captured, so, just, read the book.  Because there are some jokes here, wherein Jamie confesses that he thought they would do it front to back like horses (!!!  I can’t.), and also that Murtagh was right, that women don’t like it.  But I did like it, said Claire, which is problematic, due to still being in love with her first husband, Frank.  She is so distressed that she needs a snack (I feel it, girl).

Except that they are staying at the inn where all of the other MacKenzies are downstairs drinking and waiting to see how much SexxyTimes are going to happen.  Jamie, being a gentleman, goes down to get the snacks and to bear the brunt of the razzin’.

Um, darling.  Your pants.

Um, darling. Your pants.

We also learn how Jamie came to be married (and deflowered) in the Fraser tartan instead of the MacKenzie one we are used to seeing him in.  It’s all because of Murtagh, who got him the kilt, and Jamie is all, don’t you think Claire is the prettiest don’t you think my mom would have loved her?  And Murtagh is all, I hate feelings!  But I see that saying that has hurt your feelings so I will tell you that your mom was the Best Woman Ever and Claire is also Pretty Great.

I feel like the non-book-readers are not understanding how important Murtagh is so I'll just tell you and also include this picture.

I feel like the non-book-readers are not understanding how important Murtagh is so I’ll just tell you and also include this picture.

It also comes to pass that Jamie had three requirements in order for him to marry the woman of his dreams.  We get the details in delightfully charming flashbacks.

The first was: that he would be married in a church by a priest.

So Dougal and Willie go to beat up the village priest, who is all, I won’t perform the wedding without the banns!  And then Priest and Willie have an amazing Bible Verse-Off and just when Willie is about to lose, Dougal is all, OK, Priest in a Drafty Outlying Parish, I’ll give you some windows.

I'll do it!

I’ll do it!

Jamie’s second condition is a ring, which must be fashioned out of this here key that has absolutely no significance whatsoever don’t worry about it.  The ring is achieved thusly:

wedding37 wedding38The third and final condition is a dress, and Ned is on the case:

On the case in a whorehouse.

On the case in a whorehouse.


Where he must find a way to pass the time while the dress is wrapped.


He makes efficient use of both his time and money.

Do you really not remember the day at all, asks Jamie.  And Claire is all, well, I had a wee hangover.  So Jamie is all, let me describe it in great detail while the audience swoons:

First I got my hair brushed.

First I got my hair brushed.

And then there you were.

And then there you were.

And then it was like the sun broke through the clouds.

And then it was like the sun broke through the clouds.

And then Sarah wept in despair because there is no way she can make this dress in time for Halloween.

And then Sarah wept in despair because there is no way she can make this dress in time for Halloween.

I mean, look at it.

I mean, look at it.



Jamie is looking.

Jamie is looking.

Ned and the Strumpet are looking.

Ned and the Strumpet are looking.

Murtagh is looking (and so is Dougal although he is pretending not to.)

Murtagh is looking (and so is Dougal although he is pretending not to.)

So.  Jamie officially introduces himself.  “James Alexander Malcolm MacKenzie Fraser.”  JAMMF for short.  My Boyfriend for even shorter.

Can we handle Jamie's courtly bow?  And Dougal's "this bitch" face?

Can we handle Jamie’s courtly bow? And Dougal’s “this bitch” face?

Here we go.

The Boobs!  The Last Gasp of the Boobs.

The Boobs! The Last Gasp of the Boobs.

Hide the evidence of any previous weddings.

Hide it into your mushy bosom.

Hide it in your mushy bosom.

Say what the priest says to say.

'Til Death, Etc.

‘Til Death, Etc.

Say what Jamie says to say.

Cuz it's in Gaelic.

Cuz it’s in Gaelic.

Smooch it out.



Die at side-smile.

Yup.  Dead.

Yup. Dead.

So, Claire is now sufficiently caught up on the events of the wedding.  It was pretty romantic.  She looked pretty.  JAMMF gave her the side-smile of love.  And there he is, bringing her snacks in the wedding chamber.  And, so, OK, he’s not great at sex, but he sure is handsome.

Just to be sure that he is handsome, she stands up and is all, “Take off your shirt.”

JAMMF, ever obedient, obliges.

For further evidence of JAMMF's physical perfection, just do a search on tumblr.  My mother reads this blog, people.

For further evidence of JAMMF’s physical perfection, just do a search on tumblr. My mother reads this blog, people.

And then he’s all, take off your outfit thinger.  And she obliges and then PA-POW it all happens!  And Jamie is all, did I hurt you?  And Claire is all, Nope, that just means you Did It Right.  And she is floaty and smiley had happy because guess what, she married a Sex Prodigy.

This is the face of a Sex Prodigy.

This is the face of a Sex Prodigy.

Sex Prodigy gets very sleepy.

After Grateful Wife shows Sex Prodigy about the joys of off-camera oral sex, Sex Prodigy gets very sleepy.

After Just OK sex, Claire feels peckish.  After Super Educational Sex Prodigy Sex, Claire gets Hella Hungry.  So she heads on down to the now-empty tavern for a snack.

Unfortunately, there is also Dougal.

Remember how wonderful Dougal was in the last episode?  When Claire was being punched by Black Jack and Dougal all stormed in and was like, peace out and I’m taking the Sassenach?  And then he was like, well, if you’re sure you’re not a spy, I’m going to marry you off to my hot nephew?

Yeah, that don’t last.

Because he’s all, oh, I see you finally had sex with my nephew.  Maybe now I can interest you in “sampling other pleasures.”

And Claire is all WTF?

And Claire is all WTF?

Guess what, shouldn't have married her off to a Sex Prodigy.

Guess what, shouldn’t have married her off to a Sex Prodigy.

Back in the room, Claire is watching the fire and Jamie is practicing his Romance Novel Cover Posing (I WISH).


SMOLDER.  And abs.

Then he goes into his purse (JK, I know it’s called a sporran but all of this shirtless JAMMF is messing me up) and pulls out a lovely string of pearls, which belonged to his mother.  She is dead and he don’t have much of hers left to remember her by, so they are very precious to him.

“As are you, Claire.”

Got it.


Then she covers him with his tartan like he did for her in episode one and DO YOU FEEL HER FALLING IN LOVE.

Then she covers him with his tartan like he did for her in episode one and DO YOU FEEL HER FALLING IN LOVE.

The next morning, they are cute and in love and JAMMF is like hurry up and get dressed or I shall ravish you again and I’m all CLAIRE DON’T GET DRESSED but she does.  As she shakes out her wedding dress (while her breasts silently weep because the taste of freedom was So Sweet and So Brief), what should fall delicately to the floor, LOTR-style:

It's her Frank-Wedding ring.

It’s her Frank-Wedding ring.

So, remember a minute ago when she was happy?  Because she was starting to develop feelings for this wonderful, romantic, strong, handsome warrior who is so totally into her?

She loves them both.

She loves them both.



Additionally: Crap.

Additionally: Crap.

Next time: Ugh, who cares!  I’m too mad.  Because next episode is the last before the mid-season break and the hiatus lasts until APRIL.  Frigging April!  What am I supposed to do until then?  Write my own novels?


In the meantime, may I suggest tumblr?


Just Trust Me That There’s a Rainbow at the End of This Pot of Poop – Outlander Episode 6

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I’m not trying to suggest that this episode of Outlander was bad.


01 no nudity

Where’s my nudity??

No, this episode was very good, and it very tore my heart out and left it bleeding in the street where it was kicked by Captain Black Jack Randall, who is a Villain.

Also, I closed my eyes for a lot of the episode because there were Guts and I am Delicate.

Anyway!  Let’s recap!

When we last saw our Intrepid Time Traveler, she was being queried by a Handsome Redcoat as to the status of her all-rightness.

Opposing Definitions of Masculinity.

Opposing Definitions of Masculinity.

Yes, yes, sure, I’m fine, says Claire.  But HR is all, super, come on and see our General, he’ll be glad to hear it.  And Dougal is all, I’m a-comin’ too, what with Claire knowing about our raising money for the Jacobite cause and all.

Off they go, through the Highlands and the mud, to the upstairs of the tavern where the officers are enjoying port and venison because they may be at war but Civilization, People.

General Lord Thomas (or however his title is supposed to go!) is all, my heavens, look at this beastly Highlander, so brawny, so kilty.  And Dougal is all, cram it, and the general is all, my stars, I did not understand a word!  And Dougal is just clearly not intimidated by this room of men.

Again with the societal expectations of masculinity!  Vive La Gender Dichotomy!

Again with the societal expectations of masculinity! Vive La Gender Dichotomy!

And then fave line #1:  Dougal insults Lord Hairdo’s masculinity and Colonel Handsome goes for his sword and Dougal is all

Pull that needle and we’ll see who pricks first.


Dougal finally agrees to go down to the pub, which is kind of what he wanted to do anyway, and the Redcoats and Claire (new band name!) tuck in for a civilized meal.

I'm just including this one because I took the screen shot, dammit.

I’m just including this one because I took the screen shot, dammit.

Just when Claire has fully charmed all of the Hairdos, though, things take a turn for the Jerk.

That's Not Frank.

That’s Not Frank.

It’s Captain Jack Randall, coming in to tell his superior officer that hey, guess what, the war chief of the Mackenzies is down in the pub let’s fight him since that’s what we’re here for.  But General Hairdo is all, you’re covered in dirt!  What kind of operation do you think we’re running here!

So Jack goes to the doorway and stares down GH while knocking his boots against the jamb, and it is kind of awesome, in a villainous sort of way.

But Jack’s villainy is briefly interrupted by Claire’s Big Mouth, when she’s all, guys, you shouldn’t be so mean to Scotland.  And Black Jack is all ORLY.  And Claire is all, they just want FREEEEEDOM!  We are the Occupiers!  And I’m all CLAIRE SHUT UP SHUT UP SHUT UP!  And General Hairdo is all, come again?

Fortunately, her assassination is interrupted by a scuffle outside, wherein several injured redcoats are downstairs due to just having been shot at by those Pesky Highlanders.  And Claire is needed to amputate an arm.

I closed my eyes at that part, due to Delicacy.

When Claire goes back to the Dinner Room, everyone has gone.  Everyone, that is, except for Black Jack Randall, who sort of has Steven Seagal hair, doesn’t he?  Oh and a young corporal who is shaving him.  Which reminds Claire of the time she shaved Frank, with that very same razor.  And now let us compare, via screen shots, the difference between Jack and Frank:

07 shaving jack 08 shaving frank 09 cuddle frank 10 jack shavingDon’t worry, Jack does not slit the poor Corporal’s throat.  He has to save his energy for torturing Claire!  But Claire is all, so, when do we leave for Inverness, which your superior officer promised me we would do, and soon?  And Jack is all,

Lord Thomas is an utter ass.

And then he commits the ultimate crime:

He wastes booze.

He wastes booze.

Claire will forgive him if only the can leave for Inverness.  But he’s all, we’re not leaving until I get the truth.  And she’s all, you can’t handle the truth!  But then she’s all, OK, here’s what happened: I fell in love with this guy and I came here to hit it and he turned out to be a WHOREMONGER!

When she’s done, she’s all

13 claires sad storyAnd Jack is all

14 skeptical jack 15 skeptical jack 2 16 jack doesnt believe youHe don’t believe her.

She’s all, what are you going to do, flog me?  Like you did to that poor Highlander boy?  And I’m all SHUT UP CLAIRE SHUT UP SHUT UP SHUT UP AND WHY ARE YOU CALLING JAMIE A BOY.

Which gives Jack the perfect opportunity to talk about his fave thing, which is torturing hot guys.

I'd flog that.  Wait, what?

I’d flog that. Wait, what?

We find out that Dougal was there during the flogging.  And that Jamie was foolish and brave despite the fact that his back was all tore up from the last flogging.  Before the fun can begin, Jack is all, you’re shaking, are you scared?  And Jamie is all

I'm just afraid I'll freeze to death before you're done talking.

“I’m just afraid I’ll freeze to death before you’re done talking.”

Which gets Jack all mad and he unleashes his flogging fury and I hate to be a wimp, but I also covered my eyes at this part.  It’s too much!  Too grody!  Nightmare-ish!

*Not really how it happened.

*Not really how it happened.

Jack, however, sure did enjoy it.  And as he’s telling the story to Claire (minus kittens), you can totally believe that this guy will do the things he does later in the book.  Because friends, it gets worse.

"The sheer judder of the whip coursing up my arm, exploding into my heart..."

“The sheer judder of the whip coursing up my arm, exploding into my heart…”

"But the boy would not beg for mercy...the boy would not beg..."

“But the boy would not beg for mercy…the boy would not beg…”

"All they could see was the horror - I saw the beauty.  The boy and I, we were creating a masterpiece."

“All they could see was the horror – I saw the beauty. The boy and I, we were creating a masterpiece.”


*Not really how it happened.

Claire, who has some experience with men doing terrible things in war, is all, you’ve been changed.  There’s a decent man in there.  And Jack is all,

It would be pretty to think so.


But Jack is all, OK, fine, I’ll be a good person.  Let’s go to Inverness.  And then:

Sucker punch to the gut!  Claire is on the floor, gasping for air, and Jack calls in the young corporal who was shaving him before.  “Corporal, have you ever kicked a woman?  It’s very freeing.”  So the corporal does, and his face tells me it was not freeing at all, but then:

Dougal to the rescue!

Dougal to the rescue!

Jack is all, fine, you can take her, but make sure she reports to Fort William tomorrow for Oh, No Reason.  And then he’s all, “I look forward to our next meeting, Mrs. Beauchamp.”  And Claire is all:

27 see you soonOK, but then the rest of the episode is fun, I promise.

Dougal and Claire ride like the wind, back to the safety of the Band of Smelly Highlanders.  They stop for water, and it’s quite a walk from the road.

28 springDougal drinks, then Claire goes to drink and she’s all, this spring smells grody.  And Dougal is all

Oh, aye, there’s a stink to it, but it’ll wet your thrapple sure enough.


Claire drinks.  Dougal is all, OK, one more time, are you an English spy?  And Claire is all, Jesus H Roosevelt Christ, no!  And Dougal is all, OK, fine.

Which is a little unusual, as he had never believed her before.  Well, Dougal explains, this is St. Ninian’s Well, and if you were lying, your guts would have rotted out.  And Claire is all,

A magic spring??

A magic spring??

But she has bigger problems, namely, that she is expected at Fort William.  And Dougal is all, eh, nope.  And Claire’s all, but.  And Dougal’s all, they can’t tell a Scottish citizen to do anything if no crime has been committed.  And she’s all, OK, but.  And Dougal’s all, so I’ll turn you Scottish.  And Claire’s all, but.  And Dougal’s all, you’ll just have to marry a Scotsman.

And Claire is all, gulp.

And Dougal, the romantic, is all,

Well, I must admit the idea of grinding your corn does tickle me.

But it’s not himself he has in mind for marriage.  Then who, asks Claire, who has neither read the book nor been online to see the squeeing fandom.

30 lets get married

He brings booze. Smart man.

Claire is all, you don’t have to marry me.  And Jamie is all, well, you’ve patched me up enough, so why not?  Also, I am secretly in love with you.

Doesn't this kind of look like the Shire?

Doesn’t this kind of look like the Shire?

So Claire is all, doesn’t it bother you that I’m not a virgin?  And Jamie’s all, nope, so long as it doesn’t bother you that I am.

32 virgin

"I reckon one of us should ken what they're doing."

“I reckon one of us should ken what they’re doing.”

And Claire is all,

I'm about to marry a hot Scottish virgin.

I’m about to marry a hot Scottish virgin.



That's Dougal's bottle she's grabbing.  It's the least he can do.

That’s Dougal’s bottle she’s grabbing. It’s the least he can do.

And Jamie is all

Please note Murtagh's face, the bastard.

Please note Murtagh’s face, the bastard.

So…that’s it!  That’s the episode.  It was terrible, but then it ends so GAAAAAAH WEDDING.

And, for your viewing pleasure, this treat from the internet, provided by my Dear Friend Pam:

Next time:  Nudity!!!

That Wool Smells Funny – Outlander Episode 5

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It’s always a little depressing when Starz posts their pre-episode warnings about what might shock and scandalize you in the upcoming episode, and nudity is not included.  Fine, violence, language, whatever.  But where is the nudity!!!


There might not be actual nudity (a little Sad Shirtlessness on the part of Jamie, as per usual), but there sure is a lot of scenery porn.

Gaaaah.  Hills.

Gaaaah. Hills.

Anyhoots.  This episode is called Rent, so here is my obligatory:

Sorry Not Sorry

Sorry Not Sorry


The reason for all of this scenery (and my bad puns) is that Dougal and Co. are going throughout the Majestic Mackenzie lands, collecting Mackenzie rents.  We open the episode with Claire looking out over the loch, thinking about life, reciting poetry, when she is joined by Ned Gowan, Lawyer, Sufferer of Asthma, Holder of Rent Money, Disliker of Pigs As Payment.

Ned, Claire's Muffs, and Loch.

Ned, Claire’s Muffs, and Loch.

Claire is mostly just thinking about getting back to Craigh Na Dun, and therefore Sexxxy Boring Frank, which is good because the men are being Men and sitting around the fire talking about Boobs.  Or if they’re not talking about Boobs, they’re speaking in Gaelic, which also excludes Claire.  Fear not, Jamie is there to tell her to Chin Up, Soon We’ll Be (SPOILER ALERT) Hitting It.



Don’t worry, there is fun to be had at the next village, where Claire sees some ladies waulking wool, which means slapping a table with a big pile of dyed wool that is soaked in…hot piss.

Ach, those were barbaric times.

Ach, those were barbaric times.

The good news is, there are plenty of melodic Wool Waulking songs that are probably all about lost loves and ghosts and how sad it is that everyone smells like pee.

But it wouldn’t be a real fun time for Claire unless there was BOOZE.  The ladies head inside for a wee nip, which also conveniently allows them to refill their wool-waulking bucket, if you know what I mean.

Just as Claire is about to make her contribution to the community, Angert blusters in, all pissed (HA) that she has disappeared from under his nose while he was doing other stuff.  And she’s a bit tipsy, as per usual, so she’s all, don’t take that lady’s goat, she needs it for her baby!  And Angert is all, you’re drunk and you smell like pee!  And she’s all, fine, I’m going to untie this goat!  And then this guy (who is obviously not Scottish because he is not Jamie and he is handsome and we have already established that Jamie is the only Handsome Scot) (and also he has an English accent) is all, say, gal with the goat, are you OK?  And everyone reaches for their swords but Claire is all, yes, I’m fine, I’m just drunk and I smell like pee.  So the guy goes back to his hut and PUTS ON HIS RED COAT so too bad everyone, that handsome guy is a VILLIAN.

Sorry, handsome guy.  It was fun while it lasted.

Sorry, handsome guy. It was fun while it lasted.

In addition to collecting rents, Dougal also hosts a nightly Drinking Party in each village, which of course Claire attends, although she’s pretty grumpy about it, due to being a prisoner and such.  But it’s not just a Drinking Party!  It is also a Rip Jamie’s Shirt Off Party, which normally I would be into, but it is really a Rip Jamie’s Shirt Off So As To Exploit His Scars Party, which is sad.  And which enables Dougal to collect more money from the villagers, which is Fishy Indeed.

It pains me to post this quasi-shirtless pic.

It pains me to post this quasi-shirtless pic.

At their next stop, our roving band of dodgy rent-collectors run into the Watch, who are mercenaries (I think) out to protect the Highlands from British sympathizers by burning their houses down and stealing their stuff.  It’s complicated!  Dougal is all, oh, hey Watch dudes, we’ll take some of that food now!  Because Dougal is also complicated.

That night, at the campfire, Claire is all, I won’t eat dead squirrels caught by thieves!  And Angert is all remember last week when I was fun?  That part is over.  Now I’m going to throw food at you and spit in your general direction.  And Jamie is all, what’s your deal, girl?  And Claire is all, my hair is so frizzy and also how can you just sit there with your handsome face and your scarred back and let all of this happen!  And he’s all, stay out of it, please.

Worst Trip Ever!

Just when we think Claire is on a hopeless mission with villains, they get to the next village, where a guy has been Red-Coated and so cannot feed his family.  And Dougal is all, JK, I’m not a villain, here, take this food and also don’t forget to come to Jamie’s Shirtless Happy Hour!

This again, thinks Claire.  But she rips here eyes from Jamie’s glorious, naked chest long enough to recognize the Gaelic for “Long Live the Stuart.”  Linguistic miracle aside, this is important!  Because Claire is all, oh yeah, this is the 1740s!  And I remember Frank boring me with details about the Jacobite Rebellion when I just wanted to make out with him!

She also realizes that all of these dudes will probably die in said rebellion.  And she feels sad.

Jamie, in the mean time, is done with the shirt-ripping, and he takes it out on a tree, which is the only thing he can, in good conscience, punch.  And then he and Claire have a little convo where I don’t know about you but I am seeing Claire’s face start to look at him with eyes of love and that makes me happy.  And then Jamie calls her “Sassenach” and did anyone else feel like it was totally an “As You Wish” moment?



Then it gets real for a minute when the gang comes upon two unfortunate Highlanders, bound to crosses and watching the scenery for all eternity, if you know what I mean.

Remember last episode when this show was fun?

Remember last episode when this show was fun?

So, obv. tensions are high, vis a vis English and Scottish.  So Claire is potentially in danger, especially when they are staying overnight in a tavern full of drunk Scottish people.  Claire awakens at the sound of Something Suspicious outside her door, so she grabs herself an iron candelabra and prepares to do battle.

But no!  Don’t act too quickly!  (Yeah right!)  It’s only Jamie, there to protect you from potential danger.  She’s all, well, don’t sleep out there, it’s freezing.  Come sleep in here.

And Jamie clutches his pearls and it is SO CUTE.

And Jamie clutches his pearls and it is SO CUTE.

Also, does Claire sleep in her Butt Pads?  Life in the 18th century was hard!!

The next morning, everyone’s all enjoying breakfast when some non-Gang Highlanders are all “that Sassenach is a whore,” but in Gaelic so Claire can’t understand, not that she would have caught it anyway, so busy is she trying to convince Ned Gowan to stop raising money for the Jacobites because they are all going to Die.  But everyone else hears it, and before we know it the jaunty bagpipe music starts up and we have a FIGHT!!


But sort of the fun kind of fight!

Afterwards, Claire is patching up the boys and, as per usual, scolding their impetuousness.  But Murtagh the Translator steps in and is all, guess what, this was your fault again because they were calling you a whore.  And Claire is all, but you guys hate me.  And they’re all, hey, we can talk shit about you, but no one else can.  You’re OUR Sassenach whore, dammit.

Ah, brothers.

Things are on the road to getting better, and the Gang is getting back on the road again.  Rupus starts bragging about these two gals who were in his bed, fighting over who would get his Mighty Dirk First, and Claire is all, “Yeah right, I’d believe your left hand gets jealous of your right.”

Sick burn, Beauchamp!  The Gang laughs and learn a Valuable Lesson, called Women are Sometimes Funny.  But, like the jerk this episode is, someone mentions that they are headed toward Culloden Moor, and Claire is all:

Because They Will Die.

Because They Will Die, along with their culture.

Claire is all, I need a moment to wash, and she steps away to the river all by her lonesome.  But she is not by her lonesome for long because Dougal is all, are you a spy or what?  And then Handsome Redcoat is all, oh, hello again, here I am, back with several redcoat friends, so let me reiterate my question which is, are you all right?


Next week: Is Claire all right?  Will we every get to be happy about Jamie taking his shirt off???



Save Some Pie for Outlander Episode 4

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Previously on Outlander:

I feel better.

I feel better.

But enough about Chest(s); it’s time for the MacKenzie Gathering!  Which Claire is preparing for by…being chased about by MacKenzie Children!

And having an unfortunate look at Rupus’s nuts.

And having an unfortunate look at Rupus’s nuts.

But it’s not just fun and games and charming the wee ones she’s after.  No, you see, our Intrepid Claire is looking for a way out of her Highland prison, so she’s pulling a MacHansel and Gretel and leaving breadcrumbs behind.

If only she could shake those two guards of hers!  So she fakes a love interest for them, in the shape of a comely lass tending a pot on the fire.

“I’ll just be setting my cock to roost in that tonight,” says Angert.  But Rupus wants some, too, so Claire has them draw sticks for her.

Guess who wins.

Guess who wins.

Rupus wins, and promises to “save some pie” for his co-hort.

Side note:  What is it about these accents that makes the most sexist grody things sound charming?

Meanwhile, back at the castle, Geillis continues her Crusade of Being Weird by trying to figure out why Claire has so much extra food and packing things in her Medical Lair.  What are you, pregnant?  No?  What are you, having trouble sleeping?  No?  OK, well, let me just warn you that the Highlands are no place for a woman alone, so you should get you a flatulent husband like I have.

But her outfit is cool.

But her outfit is cool.

Geillis pretends to believe Claire’s explanations (I’ve read the book, see, so I know what’s up).

Then it’s Mrs. Fitz ruining Claire’s day by accosting her with another fancy outfit so she can attend Magic: the Gathering, and the Oath-Taking in the hall.

Which features the best cameo ever by Diana Gabaldon herself, as a bitchy clanswoman who has it out for Mrs. Fitz.

If I got dressed up to star in the big-budget TV adaptation of one of my books, I would get to wear muckin' boots.  I need to rethink my career.

If I got dressed up to star in the big-budget TV adaptation of one of my books, I would get to wear muckin’ boots. I need to rethink my career.

“That’s a lovely dress, Iona,” Mrs. Fitz replies.  “You wore it so well to the last gathering.”


Colum approaches the throne on hobbly legs, and he is unrecognizable because he has showered and shaved.

We were all like, who is this?

We were all like, who is this?

And then we were all Who Is This??

And then we were all Who Is This??

Claire listens attentively to his Gaelic speech, even though, you know, she don’t get it.  Fortunately, Murtagh is there to translate.  Welcome, says Colum.  Now pledge your oaths and stuff.  Dougal is first, and, like all things Dougal does, there’s always a second where you think he might slit your throat instead.  But he don’t.


Then the Highlanders line up to say the exact same thing to Colum (the aforementioned Oath), and Claire is all, Snooze, I’m going to finish escaping I mean JK go do something else.  Rupus is on guard, though, and he’s all, what, you’re leaving now?  “Can you not see fit to stay at least until I bag a lass for the evening?”

How can Claire resist that charm?!!  She can’t, and she even shares her port, which is not at all full of sleeping potion.

drinking angus

Rupus may be the star of this episode.

Rupus may be the star of this episode.

Rupus is ready to PARTAY, so Claire scurries back to the Lair where she gathers her Stuff, but her escape is thwarted by Laoghaire.  You remember Laoghaire?



Laoghaire wants a love potion!  For Jamie!  So Claire gives her dried horse dung to sprinkle over his threshold (“sprinkle over his threshold”) (what?), which will give Claire a laugh to imagine Jamie stepping in dried horse dung while she is stepping in wet horse dung on her way out of the castle.

Thanks for the horse shit!  I may or may not get my revenge in a future book.

Thanks for the horse shit! I may or may not get my revenge in a future book.

But her way is once again thwarted, this time by rapey Highlanders who are all, hey, a woman!  Let’s put our wieners in her!  But they say it in Gaelic, so it’s more menacing.

Don’t worry, it’s Dougal to the rescue!  He shoos the Rapey Highlanders away with a swift kick of his boot, but then he’s all, hey, that thing they said about wieners, not a bad idea!  But Dougal is drunk, and Claire is able to best him with just a wee tap with a chair.

Wouldn't you hit this man with a chair?  Especially when he starts to think you might actually be trying to escape?

Wouldn’t you hit this man with a chair? Especially when he starts to think you might actually be trying to escape?

And then she’s in the barn and her escape will continue unimpeded – nope, wait.  One more.  But this time Jamie tackles her and she’s all, well, maybe I won’t escape just yet.  JK, she’s like, I’m trying to escape, can you just?  And he’s all, listen, Sassy-nach, the trackers will be after ye, let’s go back to the castle.  And she’s all, um, well, I may have hit Dougal with a chair.

And he laughs.

And I die.

"Jesus H Roosevelt Christ," she says.  He's beautiful even when he's threatening her with a knife.

“Jesus H Roosevelt Christ,” she says. He’s beautiful even when he’s threatening her with a knife.

So he shows her the secret passageways to his heart and the dungeon, but not before they are set upon by more Highlanders (you’d think there was a clan gathering or something!), who are like, oh, hey, Jamie, you forgot to go take your oath.  And then they’re all, oh, and let’s put our wieners in this woman.  So Jamie head butts them!

But he still has to take the oath.

But first he takes his shirt off.

What do you mean, "gratuitous"?

What do you mean, “gratuitous”?

He can’t wear the Clan MacKenzie brooch, though, because his clan has a different motto, which is:


Which translates to “I just got Sarah pregnant.”

Claire goes back to the hall and is all, what’s the big?  Fortunately, Murtagh is there again to explain it to her as she watches Jamie approach Colum and Dougal, who apparently found something else to do with his wiener.  Also, he has a headache.

See, if Jamie pledges his oath to the MacKenzie, he will be next in line to be Laird, even over Hamish and even over Dougal.  Because…I guess because the MacKenzies would vote for him.  And if he becomes next in line, Dougal will so totally kill him, because Dougal is a jerk.  And Claire is all, why doesn’t he go live somewhere else?  And Murtagh is all, because there’s a price on his head.  And Claire is all, so why doesn’t he just skip this part?  And Murtagh is all, well, he was supposed to stay hidden.  And she’s all, so this is all my fault.  And he’s all, yes, bitch.  ‘Tis.

If she was not from two hundred years in the future, I would say Claire is Too Stupid To Live.

Oh, hey, hi, I was in the barn.

Oh, hey, hi, I was in the barn.

So Jamie steps up to swear his Oath and Sign his Death Warrant, but instead he’s all, JK, listen, I’ll just be obedient to you while I’m here but I’m still in my other clan with the other motto, OK?  And Dougal’s face is all, I can’t wait to kill this bitch, but Colum is all, OK, let’s drink!

I think Dougal actually rolls his eyes at this.

Which probably hurts his head.

Mmm hmm.

Serves you right, Grumpy Cat.

Serves you right, Grumpy Cat.

The next morning, there is a miraculous lack of hangovers, which is good, because it’s time for the Boar Hunt!  Yay, says everyone but Claire, who is so over this patching-up-Highlanders bullshit.  But then the Rodents of Unusual Size are rousted from their nests, the squire is gouged, and Claire is all, serves you right for getting gouged, hunting is for jerks.



She goes in search of another injured Highlander, leaving her be-speared guard, Angert, behind.  Which is too bad, because here comes a boar!  And also, here comes Dougal, not with his weiner, but with a gun, which he uses to shoot the boar like six inches from Claire’s tender flesh.

Dangit, we're supposed to hate you!

Dangit, we’re supposed to hate you!

But he is too late for Geordie, an extra who got not only a speaking part, but also groovy special effects along the lines of spurting blood and exposed intestines.  Geordie is dying, see, of a boar-gouging.  And Dougal cradles him gently, because he is nice to men, and Claire is also nice, but she’s like, I can’t save him.  So she comforts him by engaging him in conversation about his home, and Dougal comforts him by admitting that, yes, he slept with his sister.  Geordie dies; Dougal cries.



They make their sad way back to the castle, dragging a dead boar and also dead Geordie.  (Geordie is on a horse, though.)  They come across a game of what is that, field hockey?  Shirts vs. Skins.  JK, I wish.  But Dougal is all worked up from the bloodlust and the tears, so he rips off his coat and enters the game like an avenging savage.

The Many Moods of Dougal, by Sarah Title.

The Many Moods of Dougal, by Sarah Title.

And the game (actually called shinty), which was pretty violent to begin with, gets all brutal and shirts are ripped off.  No, but Angert gets a stick to the nuts, poor guy.  And Dougal and Jamie are fighting mercilessly and violently over the ball as if there is some kind of subtext.  But Jamie wins, because he is hotter, and he laughs about it which does not piss Dougal off at all.


Later, Claire is in her Lair, Grinidng Stuff as per usual, when Dougal comes in.  He’s all, thanks for helping Geordie.  And she’s all, OK, no prob, don’t rape me.  And he’s all, listen, I have to go on the road to collect the rents and such.  And we need medical personnel because the “and such” is not dodgy at all.  You’re coming with us.  We leave at sunrise.  Wear something fabulous.



But maybe she can get to Craigh Na Dun, thinks Claire, who has not read ahead to the next chapter.

Next time: A Disappointing Lack of Nudity, but Some Excellent Plot Progress.





Flirting! Betrayal! More Flirting! And Priests! – Outlander, Episode 3

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OK, Sassenachs, let’s do this.

Go on, girl.

Go on, girl.

No, not that!  We’re with Jamie now!  Almost!

Listen, bad news about this episode: Jamie is fully clothed the whole time.  And there is only one butt, and it ain’t his.

That said, we still have this:

heyjamieThat face.

Anyhoots.  The episode begins with the future, or the future compared to 1743, which is the past for us but whatever, it’s Frank!

Right before this, he totally squeezed her butt.  Off camera.

Right before this, he totally squeezed her butt. Off camera.

They are leaving for war.  Or, more accurately, Claire is leaving for war because she would not let Frank use his connections to get her assigned closer to home.  And woe be the man who gets in Claire Randall’s way when she has made up her mind, he says (or something like that), and also that is what he loves about her.  How nice it must be to have flaws that are nothing but appreciated.


But then, as if we put our hands on the magic buzzing stones, we’re back in 1743 where Claire is getting an Ice Bucket Challenge from Mrs. Fitz.  And Claire is all, say, Mrs. Fitz, what if I told you that I am from the future?  Would you smack me and call me a witch?

Yes.  Yes she would.  Good thing Claire was only dreaming!  Anyway, Mrs. Fitz is too busy getting ready for The Gathering (OMG MORE MEN IN KILTS) to fash Claire’s metaphysical dilemma.

And Claire is too busy also, as she is now Dr. Claire, Medicine Woman.  We get a delightful montage of her opening bottles and jars and then there are some bugs, it’s all very fun.  I do so love me a montage.

A totally sterile environment.

A totally sterile environment, ideal for practicing medicine.  And witchcraft.  Dammit, Jamie, take your shirt off!

Claire has decided that the best way to survive her visit/prison sentence is to do her personal best.  Plus, let’s face it, she’s kind of into the herby medical explorations.  All of her hard, focused work, though, means no work for her guards, who magically transform themselves into Merry and Pippin and just drink all day.

Who Wore It Better?



Part of Claire’s medical duties are attending to Himself, aka Colum, aka the guy with the troublesome legs who needs them massaged to ease the pain.  And Claire thinks, hm, it will probably be more effective if I massage you higher up.

And then: butt.


Her magic hands work (ew) and she is invited to the Hall to see the musician we shall call Welsh Feelings play.  He’s all the rage in these here highlands!

When she gets to the hall, she finds a drink (cuz Claire loves herself a wee dram) (and by wee I mean lots) (she can handle it) (sort of), and a seat next to Laoghaire.  You remember Laoghaire, don’t you?  She’s the accused hussy from episode 2, whose unfortunate fate was interrupted and rescued and punched by Brave Jamie.  So Laoghaire has a little bit of a crush.  Claire knows this, and since the only thing she loves more than wine and getting her way is teasing Jamie, she’s all, say, doesn’t Mr. Mackenzie MacTavish [thank ye, Pam!!] cut a fine figure?  Hey, come sit over here!  Doesn’t Laoghaire look lovely?  Gosh.

Jamie don’t get it.

Laoghaire is sitting right next to Jamie.  I know, he doesn't see her either.

Laoghaire is sitting right next to Jamie. I know, he doesn’t see her either.

Side note: Not only is Jamie Fraser the Most Beautiful Man in the World, he is also apparently the Only Attractive Man in Scotland.  I mean, Dougal does things to me if I look at him sideways, but for reals.

So stern.  So serious.

So stern. So serious.

I’m not complaining, mind you.  Just observing.

Back to the Jamie and Claire show!  Jamie is all, check my bandage, you wee drunkie, and Claire is all, I’m not drunk, but OK!  So they go to her underground medical lair and she unties his neckcloth, real slow-like.

I think I just got pregnant.

I think I just got pregnant.

Then she compliments him on his scab.

Even his scabs are sexxxy!


OK, so now it’s morning, and Claire is stuff-pickin’ with Gellis, much to the chagrin of Angus/Rupert (Angert?  Rupus?), who is bored.  Claire and Gellis discuss the boys who are dying from visiting the Black Kirk, which, I’m sorry to be twelve, but it totally sounds like they’re saying “Black Cock.”  Anyway, the Black Cock is an abandoned church where the devil lives, and where kids from the clan like to play, as you do, and sometimes they get possessed and die.  Claire is all, are you sure they’re not just sick?  And Gellis is all, a) I ain’t goin’ up against no priest, and b) Have you never found yourself in a situation with no worldly explanation?

Nope.  Not at all.

Claire, who has never met a problem she didn’t want to stick her pretty little nose into, rushes to the house of the afflicted, who is Mrs. Fitz’s nephew, Tamas.  (Seriously, what is it with Mrs. Fitz’s family?  It’s like being the cousin of a friend of Jessica Fletcher.  Basically, you’re getting murdered.)  Tamas is tied to the bed, because the priest said so.  Claire is all mad and wants to examine him, but then the priest comes in and try to guess if he is a villain or hero:

Hint: Villain

Hint: Villain

So she leaves.  And to add insult to injury, when she gets back to the castle, she sees this:

Oh, girl, don't you even...

Oh, girl, don’t you even…



So then at dinner Claire is all, say, Jamie, your lip is kind of swollen, did you get kicked by a horse?  And he’s all shhhh quit it.  And she’s teasing him, but he gets upset and he leaves.  Then Murtagh is like, knock it off, Beauchamp, or Jamie will have to marry Laoghaire and we both know that is not how the plot of this book goes.

But seeing Jamie making out with that traitorous hussy makes her sad.  Because she misses Frank.  That is the only reason.

The only thing for it is to go visit her weirdo friend, Gellis.  To stock up on supplies, Dougal says, because I guess she dries herbs and stuff?  Anyway, while Claire is at Casa de Gellis, there is a hubbub on the street, and it’s that ol’ villainous priest, accusing a young boy of stealing.

Fortunately for the young lad, Gellis’s flatulent husband is in charge of doling out punishment.  At Claire’s urging, Gellis persuades (using her Lady Ways) him not to cut off the boy’s finger.

So so flatulent.

So so flatulent.

Instead, the youngster will just get his ear nailed to the stocks for a few hours.

Much better!

Then here comes Jamie, bringing Claire her coat or some other pretty thin excuse for him to be following Claire around, and they leave before Geillis can grill her too much about her “strange upbringing.”  But not before hijinks can ensue.  Hijinks and rescue.

So, they head over to the stocks and Claire fakes a faint while Jamie pulls the nail out of the wood and shoos the boy on his way.

Step 1

Step 1

Step 2

Step 2

Those scamps!

But they’re not done scampering, because Claire wants Jamie to take her to the Black Kirk, where they flirt like mad and talk about religion and education and demons and flirting.

Funnest convo about demons ever.

Funnest convo about demons ever.

Jamie points out the wood garlic that all of the scampy Highland kids eat.  But that’s not wood garlic, says Claire!  That’s Lily of the Valley!  And Jamie is all whu?  And Claire is all, no time for that!  I have to go save that kid!

Father Bayne, as befitting his role as Villain, is like get the hence, witch.  But then Mrs. Fitz is all, guess what, this is my house and I say the witch can save my nephew.  And Father Bayne is all “I will not be ordered about by a woman,” and huffs out and I’m sure this will have no consequences for Claire in the future.

PS. She de-poisons Tamas and Mrs. Fitz calls her “The Miracle Worker” now.

That night, Welsh Feelings has another concert in the Hall, and Jamie is all, Claire!  Sit next to me!  And let me tell you the words to this song, which is about a woman who falls through stones and falls in love but returns to her time, and Claire is all, it must really work even though it is just a folk tale set to music!  She is determined – DETERMINED – to escape and get to those daggun buzzing stones.




Even if it means never seeing Jamie with his shirt off again.

Next time:  Will she escape?  More importantly, will Jamie take his shirt off?

OMG He Took His Shirt Off – Outlander Episode 2

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Three things to take away from this episode, in order of appearance:

1) Mrs. Fitz.

2) Jaaaaaaaaaaaammmmmmmmmmmmmiiiiiiiiiiiiiieeeeeeeeeeeeee.

3) Claire’s knitwear.

OK!  On to the plot.

This episode is called “Castle Leoch.”  Appropriately, we begin with The Smelly Highlanders entering Castle Leoch, where they are greeted by the jolly Mrs. Fitz, who scolds them all to go take a daggun bath already, you stinkers.

Och, You're So Smelly But I Love Ye.

Och, You’re So Smelly But I Love Ye.

But then she notices Claire.

Is she a hoor?

Is she a hoor?

Claire has no time for getting fully dressed, though.  She must tend to Jamie’s wounds.  Och, young Jamie’s injured?  Yes.

So she tends his wounds.

He has no shirt on.

I shall now provide you with a picture.

Because Jamie Fraser is the Most Beautiful Man in the World.


Focus on the shoulder, people.  The perfect, perfect shoulder.

Focus on the shoulder, people. The perfect, perfect shoulder.

But his physical perfection is marred by vicious, lashing scars all over his strong, wide…strong….strong back.  And Claire is all, oh, no, I didn’t notice a thing.  But Jamie is all, let me tell you a story.  You see, once I was a farmer, which is how I got all these muscles.  One day I was out in the fields, doing stuff, when I heard screams.

OK, this story isn't funny so I should probably try to stop talking about his hot body.

OK, this story isn’t funny so I should probably try to stop talking about his hot body.

You see, it’s our old frenemy, Captain Jonathan “Blackjack” Randall, aka Not Frank, who has come to collect basically whatever he wants, because he is English and the Scottish are Scottish, and that’s how it was back then I’m sorry to say.  But Jamie does not want to willingly hand it all over, especially when “it all” includes his sister, Jenny.

So Not Frank

So Not Frank

And so Jamie fights the English soldiers, but Black Jack rips Jenny’s dress open anyway, and then ties Jamie up and whips him.  And, I mean, Jamie has his shirt off, but it’s so totally not fun.

Pretty, but not fun.

Pretty, but not fun.

So he takes the beating, and he warns Jenny not to go inside with Black Jack.  So BJ knocks him out.  And then.  I mean,  you can figure it out.

Let’s get back to Jamie with his shirt off.

I feel better.

I feel better.

But Jamie is Jamie and so he cannot go twelve minutes without flirting, so he tells Claire that her husband is lucky.  And she’s all sad because her husband is not alive, as she puts it.  So Jamie, with his busted, naked shoulder, holds her close while she weeps.

My ovaries hurt.

My ovaries hurt.

And then he promises to protect her when he’s around, but reminds her that she is English, and Scottish people are not super-into the English at the moment, what with the rapes and the beatings and all.

He tells her this with his shirt off.  Here, I’ll show you:


And then she sleeps.

In the morning, she wakes up to Mrs. Fitz bustling about to feed her and get her ready to meet himself.


I woke up like this.

I woke up like this.

PS she puts Claire in full 1700s Highland gear, including four hundred layers of underwear.

Reverse Spanx.

Reverse Spanx.

Himself is Colum Mackenzie, laird of the castle with totally weird legs.  Claire discovers that she is in 1743, and that Moustache Dougal is Colum’s brother, and that there is no good reason for rape, even if it is a Captain of His Majesty’s Dragoons.  Colum agrees to get her a ride with the traveling tinker or something, who will be heading to Inverness in five days.  OK, thinks Claire, I can fake it for five days.

Ha ha ha ha, good one, Claire.

Fit-In way #1 is to join everyone for dinner.  Don’t worry, nobody stops everything to stare at her as she walks up to the head table.  (JK!)  Colum invites her to sit between him and Dougal, then plies her with wine.



Claire, being Claire, drinks a whole bunch and does her best to fake-answer Colum’s questions about her (fake) relatives in France and why she pronounces her name “Beecham” instead of “Bow-chahm.”  (Because she’s going by her maiden name, so as to pretend and also so they don’t think she’s related to a certain long-haired English raper.)

Cozy and Boozy.

Cozy and Boozy.

The tension is broken by Hamish, who is a cute little lad who Claire saw playing in the courtyard with Dougal, his father.  Except tra la la Dougal is not his father, it’s Colum.  So Claire is all, obv I’m too tired (aka drunk) so I’m going to peace out.

The next morning, she goes off in search of Jamie’s bandage so she can change it.  There he is, taming horses in the horseyard.  Claire makes a noise the horse bolts and Jamie falls on his shoulder.  But because she is Claire, Jamie is all, hey, no prob.  “She’s just a girl with spirit is all.  That’s always a good thing.”

At this point, my pants fell off.

They eat lunch (clothes on, boo), and we learn that Jamie has eaten grass, that he is wanted for a murder he did not commit, that Colum and Dougal are his uncles and so are harboring him, and his real name is not MacTavish.

It takes a brave man to squat like that in a kilt.

It takes a brave man to squat like that in a kilt.

As Claire heads back to the castle, she notices a guy in a frigging bright blue hat hanging around.

Totally Covert.

Totally Covert.

Yup.  He’s following her.  Claire, doing a great job fitting into the 18th century, confronts Dougal about why he is sending his Smelly Highlanders to spy on her.  Well, he thinks she’s an English spy.  Fine, I’m leaving soon, anyway, she says.

So she lies low (lays low?) – this time she really means it!  She walks around picking stuff for Mrs. Fitz, and on one of these mild foraging trips, she meets Gellis Duncan, the Original Manic Pixie Dream Girl.  But, like, literally Manic.


She knows all the herbs for abortion.  Escandaloso!  Claire likes her.  They become besties, and they sit next to each other at the Hall.


This is the time when all of the villagers bring their grievances before the Laird, who doles out justice with humor and wisdom.  Or we must assume that, because it is all done in Gaelic.  A guy brings a gal forward, and he’s like, this is my daughter and she’s been acting like a hussy.  So Colum is like, OK, you can whip her.

But Jamie is all, hold up.  I’ll take her punishment.  Because apparently that is a thing that can happen.

He's an angel.

He’s an angel.

So one of the Smelly Highlanders punches Jamie a whole bunch.  And Jamie is bleeding and injured, but Dougal keeps saying, OK, one more hit.  Then the SH hits him in the shoulder, and that’s it.  Jamie’s ouchies are too much.

Don’t worry.  Claire will tend his wounds.  And they will flirt madly the whole time, despite the fact that Laoghaire, the Alleged Hussy, is waiting to thank him properly.  If you know what I mean.

Jamie doesn’t.


He just did it because he hates to see a person flogged, and his pride can handle a beating better than hers can.  Claire is all, flutter flutter flutter, but I’m leaving tomorrow, it’s been real, brah.

The next morning, Claire is ready to get on the tinker truck to Inverness.


I’ll take one cowl and one set of arm warmers, pleeze.

But before she can put her bustle in the cart, Colum would like to see her.  He would like to see her so he can ruin her day.  Because remember that room where Claire and Frank got down to business in Episode 1?  Well, that’s the castle surgery.  And since the MacKenzies currently have no healer, wouldn’t it be terrific for Claire to stay and take care of everyone’s injuries?  No?  You don’t think it would be nice?  Well, too bad.

Don’t worry, she’s not a prisoner!  Unless she tries to leave.


Next week: Will Jamie take his shirt off?  And will he leave his shirt off?




Not A Wet Nurse – Outlander Episode 1

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Outlander.  Outlander!  I can’t stand it.  These episodes sometimes get a little slow, but then when they’re over, I’m all, Wait Already???


Anyhoo.  This one is called “Sassenach.”  Here’s how it goes down.  We meet Claire Randall, pining for a vase in Inverness.

It matches my coat!

It matches my coat!

You see, she’s been at war, as a nurse, and her husband, Frank, has been a spymaster or some such.  The point is, five years apart, the war’s over, they’re back together and they’re ready to make babies, if you know what I mean.

I mean sex.

So they go to the Highlands for a romantic second honeymoon, where they are greeted by blood on the doors.  Oh, ha ha ha, it’s just samhain, says the innkeeper.  Just a few wee ghosties, etc.  Frank converses with didactic glee while Claire is just counting the minutes until she can rip that sweater vest off of him.

Take care not to cut yourself on That Jawbone.

Take care not to cut yourself on That Jawbone.

Anyway, they make sweet love, then they drive out to see the ruins of Castle Leoch, where Frank’s distant relative, Captain Jonathan Randall, may have served.

Before the invention of sunglasses.

Before the invention of sunglasses.

It’s all ruined and pretty and nice, but I’m not going to bother with pics of that because being in the abandoned, overgrown crumbles gives Claire a funny feeling inside.  When she sits on a grody old table, Frank is all “you’ll get dirty,” and she’s all “you can give me a bath.”  And he’s all, oh, you’re not wearing underwear, and she’s all, yes, darling, now get down to it.

Go on, girl.

Go on, girl.

Later, Frank is being boring with the Reverend Wakefield, vis a vis his relatives and snooooozzze, but oh look, here comes the housekeeper with tea!  And Mrs. Graham is all, oh, let me read your tea leaves and your palm.  You’ll have a long life, you love to get down, and, oh, look two husbands.  But simultaneously.  How very disconcerting.  Claire wishes she had stayed in the Sex Castle.

Instead, she goes home for a bath while Frank snooooozzzzzzes with the Reverend.  On the way home, he spies his wife combing her hair in the window and he’s all, isn’t she just.  But then he sees a well-dressed Highlander also gazing up at his wife, and he’s all, “Can I help you, Perv?” and the Highlander is GONE.  What the!  Meanwhile, Claire has lit up the room with sex candles, ready to help Frank out of his wet clothes, but he’s all weird about the ghost and they have a drink and he basically accuses her of cheating with a Highlander and she’s all “IS THAT WHAT YOU THINK OF ME.”  But they’ve both been through a lot, WWII-wise, and Frank just loves her so much, and so he takes off her nightgown and they hit it.


While pillow-talking, Frank and his nipples tell Claire that he wants to go see the Samhain witches.  (Seriously, the scene is shot over Tobias Menzies’s chest focusing on Caitriona Balfe’s face and alls I can see is his daggun nipple.)  (I love him.)  So they put on their clothes (boo!) and go see the witches at Craigh Na Dun, the witchy standing stones in a field.

Let me just drop it in here that I once took a meandering drive around the Highlands, and we totally saw standing stones in a field of sheep.  I hadn’t read Outlander at that point, or you can be sure I would have been all touching on them.  ANYWAY…



The sun rises, Frank wants to spend the day being boring, so Claire is all, I want to go back to Craigh Na Dun to see what that flower is because I am interested in its medicinal qualities.  So they are each boring, in their own way.  Romance!

Claire drives up and a wind picks up that portends nothing, I swear.  She picks the flower – it’s so blue and fun and whatever!  But what’s that sound?  Why are the stones humming?  An inanimate object is doing something strange?  I know, I’LL TOUCH IT.

Hmm, I wonder if...

Hmm, I wonder if…

What the...

What the…

She gets up, but her car is gone.  And so is the road.  And then there are dudes in red coats firing guns.

Running = Excellent Idea

Running = Excellent Idea

She runs and runs, accompanied by jaunty bagpipe music, bien sur.  She comes upon a man in a creek, and he looks awfully familiar.  “Frank?”  He looks up.  “You’re not Frank.”

Frank would never have such unruly hair.  Or such a rapey face.

Frank would never have such unruly hair. Or such a rapey face.

Not-Frank introduces himself as Captain Jonathan Randall (REMEMBER???), and then, because Claire is standing there, he decides he should probably rape her.

Definitely not Frank.

But Claire is saved from disaster by, literally, a flying Highlander.

Come with me if you want to live. Because I can’t sit on this guy forever.

Come with me if you want to live. Because I can’t sit on this guy forever.  And I had some cropping problems.  Leave me alone.

So!  She’s saved?  Maybe?

At any rate, she is taken to a cute li’l thatched roof cottage that is full of smelly Highlanders who speak Gaelic and think she is a whore.  Except for this one guy with a sexy mustache, who has other suspicions.

Also in the cottage:

He has an ouchie.

He has an ouchie.

It’s young Jamie, The Most Beautiful Man In The World!  One of his be-kilted colleagues is going to re-set his shoulder for him.  But Claire is all, don’t you dare!  Because she knows how to do it right.  She’s a nurse!  (“Not a wet nurse!” she says as they all look at their boobs.  Hilar.)  She sets his arm.  And the kilted dudes are all, what the.  Women can do stuff?  Let’s take her with us!

So she gets on a horse with young Jamie, who is feeling much better now, thanks.  He tries to cover her with his plaid (one-handed, due to shoulder injury), and she’s all, I’m not cold.  And he’s all “You’re shaking so hard you’re making my teeth chatter,” and I forgot how charming Jamie is.  He can’t help it!

Girl, why you tryin’ to be sad about that?

Girl, why you tryin’ to be sad about that?

They ride all night and all day, and they pass some rocks that Frank, in his never-ending need to lecture us to death (but also to look Sexxxxy While Doing It), identified as a spot the British would often ambush Highlanders from.  So Claire is all, hold up!  And Dougal (the guy with the mustache) is all, how did you know that?  Never mind, here come the English!

Jamie throws her off the horse (romantic!) and she’s all, time to escape!  But no good.  Because when the li’l battle is over Jamie tracks her down and is all, come on, and she’s all, no, and he’s all, you’re not very big I can just throw you over my shoulder and I’m all YES but Claire is all, FINE.

Totally pissed about the horse thing.

Totally pissed about the horse thing.

But their ride does not last long, because, as Claire says, “He’s going over!”  And Jamie falls off his horse, unconscious.  Due to being shot.

He wakes up.

He wakes up.

Claire is super mad!  He wakes up to her yelling at him (which, for those of you who have read the book, is when he FALLS IN LOVE WITH HER WOO WOO WOO!!!), and she tries to get 20th century medical help from the Highlanders, but they’re all, wuh? and then she’s all, ALCOHOL!, and they’re all, och, aye, because Scottish.  Then she rips her dress to bandage his wound (ESCANDALOSO) and curses everyone (including St. Paul, who thought wives should be subservient tra la la), and then it’s back on the road.  On the road to Castle Leoch!  Where she and her Future-Husband, Frank, had RELATIONS.

I miss you, Frank.

I miss you, Frank.

It’s just the beginning, Claire predicts correctly!

So, in this episode, we had one butt (Claire’s), one flying Highlander, and a reminder of Claire’s fave curse, “Jesus H Roosevelt Christ.”

I do so love Claire.

Next week: “Castle Leoch”