Hey, remember the Bachelorette? It’s a show I recap. I am very behind.
Stop talking about my behind.
So, OK, listen. Two weeks ago we had a two-night special event, which was just two regular episodes back to back, and then a one-hour montage show this past Monday. I don’t understand why, but I ain’t the director of programming for ABC, so whatevs.
The point is…Dates.
We’ve been in Los Angeles long enough, says the world, so Andi travels to…Santa Barbara! Which is driving distance from Los Angeles, but whatever. The Date Card is still at the Bachelor House, and the Date Card tells the fella that Nick (the Last Nick Standing) is the first lucky fella to get the one-on-one. They go bike riding! Helmets, of course! Also, Andi in flip flops! Their special date is to “be normal,” which means bike-riding, mild ocean-frolicking, a nice hike.
Meanwhile, back at the house, the boys are starting to dissect it all. Andrew and the guy with the hairy chest (and ABS) (who is that guy?) discuss Nick. Is he real? Or is he playing a game? Seriously, boys, if this is how he plays the game, he gets an F+. This boy ain’t no playa.
Instead, on his date-hike, he admits his skepticism and his difficulty with not knowing where he stands. So, basically, he is Sharleen. Andi advises him to just say how you feel and figure it out. Which, helpful. But Nick has a crush on her. She finds his skepticism cute. They hike more with their wine glasses, and cuddle and watch the sky.
But enough normal! Time for fancy dress dinner (although is he wearing a Members Only jacket? With extra collar? What the?). All of Nick’s friends are married. Why isn’t he, Andi asked. He was too immature, he says. Good talk.
So, Nick apparently has game? At least enough game to get the Date Rose and a Smooch. Andi feels Tingles. Boring!
Let’s move on, and move on we shall, to the Group Date. Brian, Marquel, Beefcake Codie, Tasos, Hipster Brett, Ron, Bradley, Josh, Eric (waa), Andrew, Patrick, and Marcus. Everyone is psyched, except for Marcus, who is mad that he has not had a one-on-one date. It’s Week 3, Brah. Chill it out.
“Let’s start things off on the right note,” says the Group Date Card, and Bradley is So Excited because he is an Opera Singer. He spends the entire limo ride to the venue Warming Up, and by that I mean singing and being embarrassing, although none of the others are bothered by it. Which does not mean they are impressed by him; rather, they are just not threatened by him. I mean, right?
Suave, but non-threatening.
Andi needs someone who can jump into something and have fun; this means Metaphor Date. Yay! It also apparently means BOYZ II MEN WHY IS MY YOUTH COMING BACK TO ME ALL OF A SUDDEN. PS. How many of you had “End of the Road” as some kind of graduation song? Just wondering. I hope it’s all of you.
Anyway, the challenge involves singing with Boyz II Men and our Bachelor Brahs are PSYCHED. They high-five and back-slap and love0make to each other. “I’m pretty sure I touched my first butt to ‘I’ll Make Love to You’ in seventh grade,” says Eric and I love him and I’m sad.
Bradley wets his pants in glee.
Then they all try to sing and I can’t watch. But they are all bad. Oh, lord in heaven. Codie, in particular. Big, Dumb Codie with His Hair and His Neck. Bless his heart. Bless all of their hearts.
Also, bless Andi’s heart, because she has to sing, too. “Oh, she sucks,” says the guy in Boys II Men, sitting right next to Andi.
And then Boyz II Men sing a song that I do not recognize so they must have a new album because I know all of their songs.
OMG BOYZ II MEN
And the fellas dress in competing Boyz II Men Outfits.
Here are Josh’s Teeth and the Outfits.
That’s my new band name.
“This performance is definitely going to separate the boys from the men,” somebody says, and I LAUGH SO HARD BECAUSE I GET IT.
As predicted, they all suck. I literally cannot watch Bradley, because he is just not getting that the point of this challenge is to see how he will handle a Challenge, not to see how he is a Singer. How does that translate to real life, Bradley? Are you just going to sing your way out of everything?
The other guys. Well. They’re enthusiastic. “She should just leave by herself,” says Boyz II Men. Tra la la. Meanwhile, Cody is PUMPED.
Please admire how PUMPED Cody is.
Cody gets some alone time, in which Andi strives to make him uncomfortable. “There has been chatter that you have a girlfriend,” she tells him. “Whuh?” he replies. JK! She’s JK-ing! Hilarious! Cody loves it!
Back at the table, fellas are strategizing about the rose. (P.S. Every time they show Eric, I’m just going to ignore it.) The general consensus is that Andi is Perfect and the Total Package and some people are already falling for her. Like Marcus! Marcus, who goes in for the smooch, but then talks the entire time. Like, during the kiss.
And then it gets gross, because in my head, Josh M. is a villain. He was so nervous singing!, he tells her. He is nervous around Andi! He wants to kiss her every day! Ugh, his flirting. But he gets the smooch. “I hate when you do that face,” says Andi to Josh, who is pretty much just doing his regular I’m-A-Smooth-Guy Face. “Unh, I just want to see you all the time,” he says. Jesus. This guy.
But whatevs. The group date rose goes to…Josh! Ugh. Sorry, Bradley. And Marcus. And Josh’s teeth, which we now have to look at.
“Whatever Josh and Andi have is nowhere near what Andi and I have,” says Marcus, gently placing the bunny into the pot.
JJ, Pantsepreneur, finally gets his time to shine, One-on-One Date-Style, and he is psyched. Andi wants a marriage that lasts forever, she says. But what will they be like fifty years from now? Let’s put on make-up and find out!
That is the date.
Putting on old person make-up.
JJ actually makes a pretty convincing old person.
They also go out in public and try to fool people with their old people stooping and shuffling and growling. Because apparently Andi is going to develop a smoking habit leading up to her old woman-hood.
Oh, the antics! And the smooches. When you find your soul matr, it doesn’t matter if you get ugly, says Andi.
(Meanwhile meanwhile, Ron is packing. A close friend passed away. Virtually no kind of deal is made of this. It’s just hugs all around, then he goes.) (It feels weird that they didn’t exploit this more.) (That’s why I put it in parentheses.)
Don’t worry, JJ and Andi wash off the olds and have a romantical dinner. JJ was a nerdy kid who got picked on. (SURPRISE.) He has been afraid to let his dork flag fly. Andi makes him feel freeeeeee! He gets a rose.
Dylan is concerned that he didn’t get the One On One because he has a Sad Story he would like to explain, which he does to Farmer Chris, and which involves two of his siblings OD-ing (or “dying of drugs”?), and which is a sad story. I feel suspicious that the producers spend more time on the build-up of his sad-story reveal than they do on Ron’s quick departure, but what do I know? (Everything.)
Cocktail party time! Ron is gone; it is acknowledged. “This is real for me,” says Andi, in reference to a man who left because his friend died. And then her first Face Time is with Eric, and my head explodes. During their Face Time, a huge bouquet of flowers arrive…from Nick. She reads the long note and smiles. And the gentlemen’s agreement is OVAH. The agreement involving the unspoken rules wherein one brah does not impinge on another brah’s Face Time. It’s on! Etc.
Later, Andi pulls Nick aside and they make out. His feelings are real! First he doubted, now he feels real. She feels lucky.
But not all is rainbows in paradise. (What?) JJ needs to get something off his pants. I mean chest! While at dinner last week, Andrew (aka Pacey) got the hostess’s number and bragged about it in the van. (So much happens in those vans! They should put cameras in there or something.) Josh M. gets involved because if there is one thing he won’t stand for, it’s disrespect. Also, yellowing teeth. JJ and Josh M. decide that Pacey needs to be a man or be a coward Those are the only two choices. So Josh M and JJ grab Pacey for some Face Time, Man-Style. Are you Here for the Right Reasons?, they ask, cornering him in a hallway. Pacey refuses to engage so JJ and Josh M. follow him around the house until he does, and his refusal obvi indicates his guilt.
Now, I’m not saying that the contestants on a show where they are trying to become the love of somebody’s life should be going out and getting the numbers of other gals. But do we as a viewing public need to be so surprised that a guy who goes on TV to become the love of somebody’s life would be the kind of guy who would do something sleezy, like try to hit it with another girl while he’s beginning a relationship? But we are. We are surprised and horrified. Because we have consumed the Kool-Aid.
Mostly I am excited to watch the Bro’s Moral Outrage and Chest Beating and Righteous Yet Manly Indignation.
Side Note: AMIRITE??
Pacey hides in his room as the fellas gather outside with their wine glasses. “We gave him a chance to be a man,” says Josh M.
Please can someone address the gender politics in the comments?
Meanwhile, Marcus gives her a note. He’s moving in the direction of love, unlike everybody else. He has the best feelings. WHO CARES, MARCUS.
Pacey comes down to address the drama. He was handed a number. Did you not brag, asks JJ. And he gets heated! Pacey is all, I wasn’t bragging. I don’t remember bragging. Nick remembers hearing it! Pacey is realizing that this is a competition. He thought they were all in this together! No he didn’t, but that’s what he said!
OK, roses. Roses!
Marcus, which is fortunate for all of our safety
Beefy Tin Tin
Patrick, who still looks like a serial killer
Farmer Chris, who is growing a mustache? Surely not Surely my eyes deceive me.
Sad Story Dylan
PACEY Ooooooo girl. Watch out. Two-night special!
So good-bye Mullet Brett. Did we know anything about you? You seem nice. I don’t remember you at all. Good-bye Opera Bradley. You are a dork, and this is not your target audience. Please stop crying.
Next week: Connecticut! Connecticut??? And then: Drama! Which we already knew about.