Friday Dog Blog is SHIRTLESS

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Once again, my two fave things come together in one glorious internet:

Hounds + Bachelor = Get Off Of My Lawn And Into My Car

(That is a combo Clint Eastwood in Gran Turino/Billy Ocean mashup joke.  Obviously!)

Also, how about this:

clintdog

There you go!  Family affair.

Happy weekend, everyone!


Friday Dog Blog Is…Amorous

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Despite a lack of recaps, I am, in fact, still watching The Bachelor.  But dang, those recaps were a lot of work.  Also, Farmer Chris is a smidge dull.

But!  Last week at the Hometowns, I saw something very familiar:

Via

As soon as that little white dog pulled out her long, narrow toy, I knew what was coming.  (Gross.)

That is totally what Starr does!  The vigorous and bouncy hump, followed by a disinterested dismount and a ferocious post-coital shake.  Starr’s current boyfriend is a long reindeer toy that is bigger than she is.  It’s very romantic.  Every night, very romantic.

And yes, that is Farmer Chris’s laugh.

Happy weekend!


Do You Take This Montage? Bachelorette FINALE!

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OMB Did You Guys Watch?  Not the two hour finale, whatever, that was boring, she chose Josh, of course.  I’m talking about the After the Final Rose!

It was real good.

Well, it was pretty lame, but there was one moment that was real good.

I’m getting ahead of myself.

First, we have some montages.  I have to say, this episode was relatively short on montages; just one of the many ways the world is disappointing me.

We start it more or less right off with Nick, who meets Andi’s family even though it was so obvious to me from the beginning of the universe that she was going to pick Josh.

You may remember Andi’s family from last season?  A Mom, a Sister, and a Dad, Hy:

This is the face of a man with whom it is not wise to mess.

Nick is so nervous, bless his heart.  So awkward.

Even completely unbuttoning his shirt could not make him relax.

“The worst thing that could happen is that they think I’m a jackass,” he tells us.  “Or a villain,” says Darling Dana, my finale-watching companion.  But then Nick has a sit-down with Mom and tells her how much he loves her and Mama just melts.  But what about Father Hy?  Will Nick get his approval?  “I would really like your permission,” Nick says, and Hy just stares him down.  “If y’all two choose each other, that would be wonderful,” the producers prompt him to finally say.

Twinsies.
For all the good it does him.

Then it’s the end of the date!  Well, first some close-up smooching (for Nick and Andi, not Nick and Hy) (although who knows what happens when the cameras are off?), then the end of the date.

That went fine, said the family, but we need to overdose on false charm.  Which is perfect, because it’s time for Dr. Teeth!  “I’ll just have to see for myself,” says Hy, referring to the glittering brilliance of Josh’s chompers.

And see for himself he will, because here comes Josh, feigning sweating nervousness. “I’m never nervous,” says Dr. Teeth, and I accidentally vomit on his lies.

You know what, let’s just let Mom set the scene for us: “This loud guy comes in with Andi and he’s falling about sweating and he’s just really boisterous,” and truer words have never been spoken on television, ever.

Is this a man who looks nervous? No. Because he unbuttoned his shirt.

Sister and Brother-in-Law have Tough Questions for Josh.  Father Hy has some tough questions for Josh.  But I got distracted because Dana put hair bows on her foster dog and it was super cute and I don’t really know what happens next, except that Hy wants to smooch up on Josh.

“The process doesn’t concern me, the feelings are either there or not,” Hy says, his eyes gleaming.  “You got my blessing, the only one you gotta worry about is hers.”  Josh no longer has to feign his nerves.

But Andi is nervous, for reals.  She is nervous that she could still be rejected!  That the Neil Lane ring will not be hers!

Not if Dr. Teeth has anything to say about it, he tells us.  It’s final date time, and that means reminiscing about first date time and Andi and Josh sail away on a yacht that’s as white as his teeth, and they reminisce about the day before, when Josh glamoured Hy with his hypno-teeth.  But even Hy’s blessing is not enough to assuage Andi’s lingering feeling that Dr. Teeth is still Too Good To Be True.  “Am I going to have to handcuff you to the yacht and drive us to Atlanta?”  Is that subtle, insidious 50 Shades of Grey product placement?

Yes.

No.

It doesn’t matter, because Dr. Teeth is ready!  He is ready!  Andi, why aren’t you ready??  Come on!  Oh, look, he wrote you a letter!  It contains a piece of cardboard!  “I wanted to make you a baseball card with stats on the back.”  Because get it?  He used to be a baseball player.  Has he mentioned that before?  It was hard for him to give it up.  But he wants to start a family.

The Murrays. Ugh.

Anyway, Andi and Josh smooch it out.  He can’t wait for her to be his Best Friend Forever.  Smooch smooch smooch.

But Andi still has questions.  Additionally, she has a date with Nick.  Obligatory Date With The Other Guy.  They go off-roading.  Or as we call it in West Virginia, muddin’.

Then they have a picnic.  BORING.  Smooches.  BORING.  They Tell-Don’t-Show their Amazing Connection.  SNOOZE.

There’s just one more night.  One more night for Nick to feel confident in Andi’s love for him.  “If I don’t know it’s me, we’re not getting engaged,” he tells the viewing audience.  OMINOUS.  Also: PSYCHOTIC.  Andi is undeterred.  They open a bottle of champagne and sigh and mumble and breathe heavily into their microphones.  SO ROMANTIC.  Does Andi really love him?  Will it be worth it for him to propose?  “It’s gonna be all right,” she tells him.  “You should be confident.”  Nick, reassured, gives her the necklace he fashioned for her out of sand and tears.

“I wrote your name on the grain of rice!”

“Awwww,” says Andi.

Both dates done, the only thing left to do is to wake up on a bright morning in the Dominican Republic and think about the future while in various stages of undress. Andi walks on the beach in her negligee.  Nick does some shirtless contemplation while watching the waves roll in and out.  Dr. Teeth performs his shirtless contemplation in front of the mirror.  I wish I was joking but it really happened.

The guys start to get ready.  “She continues to give me no reason to think it’s not me.”

“I’ve had some big days in my life, being drafted in baseball, going back to play football with my brother, but this is one of the biggest.”

Guess which guy said what.

But there’s no time for guessing!  It’s our friend Neil Lane, here to help Josh pick out a ring.  And then to help Ni– nope.  That’s not Neil Lane!  That’s Andi!  Or is it Neil Lane in an Andi costume?

Alas, no.  It is Andi, who woke up this morning with the feeling that something wasn’t right.  Insert feminine hygiene joke here.  Anyhoo, basically, she’s breaking up with Nick.

Hey, that’s not Neil Lane.

“It’s not right, it’s not right,” Andi says one million times.  Then: silence.  So much intensity and over-analyzing, and last night she wanted to have fun, but they over-analyzed.  “A life with you would be me over-analyzing every moment,” she tells him, after completing sixteen hours of self-doubt vis a vis her relationship with Josh.

“When I told you I love you, I don’t know how you can look at me the way you did and react the way you did and be sitting here right now saying this to me.”  Welcome to getting dumped, Nick.  “I just took it that you meant it.”

Sick burn, Nicky!

Aaaaand they cut to the end of the show and we don’t at all have twenty minutes of this drama.  JK!  They mutter and cry.  Nick walks her out.  It is raining.  Nick takes his rose petals, the ones he had been saving for the next chapter of his story book, and he throws them in the trash.

OK, even though I did not at all see them together, it is a little sad to watch a guy get the daggun rug pulled out from underneath him.

Moving on.

The real question is: will Josh propose?  Even though he has repeatedly told her and us and Hy that he will?

“When I decided to give up my first love, baseball,” he tells her as the music swells, “I know that it was because I had to find my great love.  The kind that people read in books and sing in songs.”  Magical.  Magical Teeth Memories.  It goes on and on, and then Andi gets a turn.  “It’s definitely been a journey,” she says, romantically.  But it’s not just a journey.  It’s love.  She can’t wait to make babies with him.  He proposes.  She cries, but also says yes.

Of course.

But there is no time to dwell on happiness!  As in previous seasons, we go right from the proposal to the Live Studio Audience patiently waiting for After the Final Rose.

So, apparently Nick has been trying to get in touch with Andi ever since she left the DR with, you know, her new fiance.  He tried to follow her on vacation to Mexico.  He called and called and called, but Andi keeps saying no.  But he has unanswered questions!  He can’t say no!

Remember this?

Now, I know I didn’t recap the Men Tell All, but this happened at the end.  Chris Harrison delivered a mysterious letter to Andi.  Excellent narrative construction on a reality show, producers!  Because what was that mysterious letter?

Well, I’ll tell you.  It was a six hundred page letter, scribbled on notebook paper, from Nick.  See, he had given that letter to Chris Harrison, in the hopes that he would get through to Andi.  “You know she chose Josh,” Chris reminds him, desperately buzzing for security.  “I just want to talk to her,” says Nick.  “I just want to watch her sleep.”

Andi wasn’t ready then, and it’s not clear that she is ready now, but oh well!  Here’s Andi to talk to Nick!  Why no, that’s not chloroform you smell, why do you ask?

“Here’s your moment,” says Chris Harrison.  And then…a long pause…much mumbling…feelings, etc.  “I don’t really have a question.”

Terrific.

I think maybe Nick wants to accuse her of lying to him?  Of Juan Pablo-ing him?  But has any losing contestant on this show ever not been Juan Pablo-ed?  Except maybe everyone but Juan Pablo was a lot nicer about it?

Then the ball drops:

“If you weren’t in love with me, I’m not sure why you made love with me.”

BOOM.

Drop it.

Right here. Right here is where it hurts.

“That’s below the belt,” says Andi, and suddenly she is angry and less concerned about being civil and more about Shutting This Bitch Down.

This is Andi’s Explaining Face.

“That was fiance-type stuff,” says Nick. He accuses her of taking advantage of him!  This brings up all kinds of questions about gender in society and double standards of sexuality, but also makes me think that maybe someone should have explained the rules of the show to him?  That there can be only one?

Okay, that just makes me think of this:

SO EXCITED FOR OUTLANDER THE END.

OK, Bachelorette  Right.  That’s where we were.

So, Nick mysteriously disappears, and Josh is on the couch in his place (OH SAD METAPHOR).  Everyone yucks it up about how much love they are in and how fun the smooches are.  Josh probably talks about baseball, who knows.  Then everyone starts to tease Andi about her “frown” (aka Resting Bitch Face) and this happens:

Yes, that is Grumpy Cat.

Is there a higher note on which we can end?  Especially since they didn’t even announce that Chris the Farmer would be the new Bachelor?

There is not, so there we will end.  Bachelor in Paradise starts on Monday.  Will I be watching?  Or will I still be freaking out from OUTLANDER.

Help me, Chris Harrison!

Take it away, Dr. Teeth!


Are The People On This Show Watching The Same Show I Am? – Bachelorette Episode 8

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I hope everyone appreciates how hard I work to make these blog titles succinct and clear.  Also, the fact that I both watched the episode and am now blogging it while I am on vacation, and also while there is a severe thunderstorm warning.  And the fact that I just got my six year-old nephew in trouble for throwing things at me while I am trying to blog.

Well!  What do you want from me?

Hows about a recap.  OK!  We begin our stay in the Dominican Republic with a montage.  For the contents of the montage, please see the recap of every previous episode.  Andi is exhibiting her wide array of bathing suits and cover-ups, all Specially Designed to help her make a Hard Decision.

First up, decision-wise, is Nick the Villain, who has a nice family.  He and Andi go up up and away in a helicopter machine, and it is so romantic!  Smooching with headsets!  Private Island time!

Side note: I wonder how many books I would need to sell to buy an island? (HINT HINT HINT.  You would all be invited!)

They are wearing matching bathing suits, which is perhaps a Sign of Love?  Their bathing suits also match the color of the water!  In which they smooch.  But is it enough?  Have all of her questions been answered?  What about the end of his last relationship?  The one where he was engaged?  She broke it off, he says; he was embarrassed; he learned a lot from it.  What?  What does that even mean?  But Nick is willing to risk getting hurt for the opportunity to wear matching bathing suits with Andi forever.  “Uh…yeah,” he says.  Several times.  Instead of him telling her that he loves her, they snorkel.  Is that a metaphor?  Is it Too Late???

They have dinner.  “I’m quirky,” he tells her.  “I have a childlike sense of wonder.”  This seems like a lie, but then it turns out that Nick has used his free time to write her a storybook!  With illustrations!  “It was kind of childish, in a cute fun way,” says Andi.  It makes her want to make babies with him so he can read said baby stories about princesses and magic.

Childlike sense of plot and character development.

The book ends with blank pages.  Get it?  Because what’s going to happen?  Fantasy Suite!  But first, he has to talk to her.  He lists all of her good qualities, some of which seem a little exaggerated, quite frankly, but whatever!  He loves her!  And he is terrified, he says right after that!  They smooch!  He lifts her up!  They go make out in the Fantasy Suite.

PS. Is he wearing pink pants?

I don’t have a picture of that so I will just tell you: yes.

“Last night was obviously a great night with Nick,” says Andi as she heads out to meet Dr. Teeth.  “It’s getting tougher and tougher not to see her,” he tells us.  “I started hitting a wall.”  What?  What are you even saying, Dr. Teeth?

But Andi cannot shake the feeling that he is full of shit.  When will she let it go?  (Never, I hope.)  They explore Santo Domingo, which is full of cultural experiences.  He speaks Spanish, which I find attractive!  He drinks liquor from a dude on the street!  They dance in the square!  Even though they are both terrible dancers!  She always has giddy fun with Josh.

Then they watch some kids play baseball, and they are all better than Josh ever will be, ever since he gave up the game and stopped bringing ladies to his diamond field thing whatever.  The kids invite him to play.  Josh loves sports!  How did Andi know?  He is so happy that she paid attention to what he likes!  The kids loved him!  His teeth were…oh, man.  Those teeth are unreal.

Child baseball prodigies defeated, Andi and Josh step into the shade to drink from a giant guava (is that what that is?) and talk about his family.  “I love you,” he says.  “I’ve never said that to anybody before and meant it.”  Which, to me, implies that he has said it without meaning it.  Lying through his unnaturally white teeth.  Whatever, they smooch.

They had so much fun today, but can he be a serious guy?  She will find out at dinner.  “You’re not cocky,” she tells him.  “You’re too goofy.”  WHAT.  They talk about how much fun they had.  They talk about parenting.  They smooch.

But now it’s really time to get serious.  “You’re always happy,” she says, trying to get to the bottom of her unease.  “Don’t categorize me,” he tells her.  “Life is great.  I’m always happy when I’m with you.”  She now feels they are on the same page.  “I can definitely see you as my wife, for sure,” he tells her, blinding her with those pearly whites.

And then…Fantasy Suite!  Surprise!  Ugh, I hate it when they act surprised.  Like he doesn’t know what’s in that little envelope from Chris Harrison.  “Of course,” he says.  He puts on his serious face as Andi explains that it is just to see if they can connect without all the glam.  “That’s how I feel,” he quickly agrees.  And…fireworks!  (Literally fireworks.)  “She gives me that pit in my stomach,” he tells us.  He is ready to propose.  He’s ready to always be there for her, and to protect her.  So hopefully she chooses him!

But first she must hang out with Farmer Chris, which she does…on a farm!  They go horseback riding!  She is nervous!  Nervous to have that big animal underneath her!  (EEE-yo)

Whatcha got in your pocket there, buddy?

They pass some cows, her horse starts trotting, she starts cursing.  Farmer Chris saves the day with words.  “It’s hard to see her uncomfortable, but it’s nice to be there for her.  She’s much more of a country girl than I ever imagined.”  WHY IS EVERYONE ON THIS SHOW SO DELUSIONAL.

Don’t answer that.

It’s beautiful; they sit down in a field to have a picnic.  Andi just loved his family!  They were the best!  The best family!  So fun!  They relive a little of the fun by playing ghosts in the graveyard.  In broad daylight.  In a field.  She finds him.

With her face.

My mother told me to tell you all that “this is corny.”  She also said “What’s she gonna do, go to bed with all of them tonight?”  She has never seen this show before.

Imagine if they all four went to bed together!  So many cuddles!

Anyhoots.  Enough cuddles, it’s dinner time.  That day on the farm was fun, says Andi, but is that every day life?  Nope, says Farmer Chris, but two people who love each other can make it.  I’d have your back, he tells her.  He’s willing to make sacrifices (except giving up the farm but whatever I’d still hit it).

“I’m at, like, a crossroads with you,” she says, waving the Fantasy Suite card.  She is unsure.  They stutter at each other for a few more minutes.  “I am in love with you,” he says, and she weeps because the same is not true for her.  She does not see the foundation there. And then there’s a commercial break and she’s still crying.

“I don’t want to blame it on Iowa,” she tells him, because it is obviously his kind, open personality and his All-American Good Looks that have her turned off.  And she also doesn’t want to just boink him in the Fantasy Suite.  Foolish girl!

Then she says “Blame it on Iowa” a few more times, he pats her shoulder and tells her he respects her, and that’s it for Farmer Chris.  She feels like an idiot because Look At You.  Why do you question your feelings? he asks, with neither bitterness nor recrimination.  “You can’t control your feelings.  I want your feelings to be for me, and if they’re not, I want to go home.”  DO WE NOT ALL JUST LOVE FARMER CHRIS.

Damn you heart, for wanting what it wants!  Especially when what it wants is obv Dr. Teeth.  Damn you, Heart!

So, there are still fifteen minutes left in the episode, which is No Problem for these intrepid producers.  Let’s have a sit-down with Chris H., they suggest to Andi, and recap everything we just watched, but in conversation form. As opposed to next week, when we see it in montage form.  Chris helps her weigh pros and cons.  (“What do these guys have that I don’t have?”  JK.  He’s not in love with her like he was with Sean and with Des.  He just likes her.  Just Friends.)

Because even though one of the dudes has Left the Island, they are still going ahead with the rose ceremony.  The guys still have to accept the roses!  It is the most important rose yet!  What could possibly happen!  Also, my Darling Girl, what are you wearing!

This is a dress for Feelings.

Nick and Dr. Teeth arrive at the rose ceremony, and it is so confusing!  Because where is Farmer Chris?

He went home, Chris H tells them.  I’ll let Andi explain.

Farmer Chris went home, she tells them.  It just wasn’t there, despite his obvious perfection.  Now take these roses.

Whuh?

Nick accepts.

Dr. Teeth accepts.

“Yaaay,” she says mildly.  “Now y’all get to meet my family.”

“I’m not even worried about Nick,” says Dr. Teeth.  “She’s going to be Andi Murray.  It has a nice ring to it.”

This guy.

Next Week:  Men Tell All!  Confrontations!  Secrets!

Montages!

Good-bye!

 


There’s An Opportunity To Be A Homemaker – Bachelorette Episode 8

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Something about hometowns reminds me of this great book I read once.

ANYHOO.  Hometowns.  This is what it’s all about.  Family  Family and smooching.  First stop is Milwaukee, home of Nick the Villain.  They meet in front of a neon sign that says “Cheese & Sausage,” which pretty much sums it up.  They go to a brewery!  Schlemiel!  Schla OK, you get it.  There is a special Nick and Andi beer!  It tastes like the right reasons.  And they polka!  That’s the nice things aobut hometowns, is that you do all of the Major Cultural Events of the Town.

They cling desperately to, well, to something.

Then they head to the suburbs where Andi meets holy crap so many people.  There were a million people!  Or maybe just ten siblings, but heavens to betsy, they were a lot of people in that house.  Andi gets the requisite softball grilling from one of the sisters.  The littlest sister, who is like ten, has a list of questions, and Andi is totally patronizing to her.  Little sister is like, dude, your girlfriend is an idiot.

Nick talks to Mom and they get all teary.  Andi is the half of him that is missing!  But he is waiting for the right moment to tell her he loves her.  Be prepared to be sent home, says Mom.  I think I’m her favorite, says Nick.  Then Andi is able to identify all the kids’ school portraits and Mom cries.  Considering what a poo-bag Nick is, this has been a completely uneventful Hometown.  But he suspects he’ll have more time to tell her how he feels.  NICK.  NICK THAT IS NOT HOW IT WORKS.  Will Nick get sent home??

No time to think about it, because we’re headed to Iowa!  IOWA!  Almost all vowels!  We are treated to many shots of Farmer Chris walking meaningfully across the corn fields.

There are less than 700 people in the town.  I wonder what the reaction was to her coming there?  I am from a town of like 6000 people and Harrison Ford filmed part of a movie in my town and people were FREAKING OUT.  Much like Andi was FREAKING OUT at Farmer Chris’s Plaid Shirt and Vest.  Rugged!

Also, Chris has like a really nice house.  Also, a tractor.  Andi is turned on by the tractor.  And she has apparently never seen a farm before.  For reals.  So much land!  So much man!  She drives his tractor.  Mmm hmm.

THE MOST FUN EVER.

But can she live in Iowa?  Cuz he ain’t movin’, what with having a farm and all.  “What would I do for work here?”  “Well, there’s an opportunity to be a homemaker,”  he says, not joking.  Although he’s apparently not far from Cedar Rapids, where she can do law things.  “I’m not as city as you think I am,” she lies to all of our faces.  Oh, she does hunt.  I forgot about that.  But listen.  She’s a city girl.  Deal with it.

But then Chris gets a plane that trails a banner with this message and I am moving to Iowa.

She meets the whole blonde cornfed family.  One of the sisters makes a fart joke.  Mom tells Nick that she was born in town and her heart used to go pitter patter when Dad would climb off that tractor.  She made it work!

I kind of love this family.

Oh god then they play Ghost in the Graveyard and all of my nightmares come alive.  And Andi gets Iowa Serial Killered in the dark.  The end!

Which is too bad, because it would mean Andi would miss out her time with Dr. Teeth in Tampa.

But she is not dead, so she does not miss out.  Dr. Teeth smooches her and brings her to play baseball even though it is hard for him.  He hardly ever picks up a bat! The memories!  They smooch.  “I don’t take anybody else on my field except my family,” he tells her.  She gives him the itch.  The itch to play ball.  They sit in the bleachers and talk about him some more.  Then they talk about his brother, who is involved in the NFL draft and they are saying words I have never heard before.

Let me tell you how you make me feel about myself.

Josh’s family!  They’re all there, and PS all of the women in the family kind of look like Andi.  It is also revealed that Josh has a dog, which fills me with confusion because I Love Men With Dogs.

At dinner, Little Brother, Future NFL Star, sits at the head of the table and they immediately all start talking about football.  Andi is not loving it but she understands (not really).  “Do you worry about the cord being cut?” Andi asks Mom later.  “I don’t see Josh necessarily cutting the cord,” says Mom, waving a Giant Red Flag.  But that’s just because when Little Brother is in the NFL, they will go to all of his games as a family and sit together and wear matching shirts.  (I made that last part up, but it’s probably still true.)  “I hope they are ready to accept that we’ll be making our own family,” Andi tells the camera.  HA HA HA says Sarah Title.

Mom pulls Josh aside to make sure he really thinks Andi is The One (after Football) (and Baseball) (and Cricket).  “She’s a real woman,” Josh tells his Mom.  “I feel awesome when I’m with her.”  Andi really  puts the sparkle in his teeth.  “You have put you last for so long,” says Mom and I feel like we are watching two different shows.

Then the whole family plays football and they talk about new chapters and whatever.

Whatever because it’s time for Marcus!

Marcus!  Marcus is from Dallas.  They meet there.

He takes her to an empty bar.  They drink champagne  “This is gonna be better when you’re drunk,” he tells you.  (Sounds like my Saturday night – eee yo!)

And Marcus recreates his cruise director strip show.

Andi likes it.

After he puts his clothes on, he explains the point of this visit.  “This will be me showcasing her to my family,” which is an odd way to put it.  “You’re everything to me,” he says.  “Awww…” she says, which is not an ideal reaction.  “I really want to you to meet my dad, but he’s not there right now.”  Marcus, darling, why would you want her to meet her dad if he’s not in your life?  To showcase her?  Oy.

Showcase Faces.

They go to Marcus’s mother’s house and I was totally expecting a Train Wreck, but they were a nice, if fatherless, family.  Li’l niece made them matching rubber band bracelet things.  What are those things called?  My niece is also into them.  His sister can tell Marcus is in love.  But she worries that he cares too much, as do I.  Later, Marcus and Brother have a nice little heart-to-heart, vis a vis Dad leaving and Bro being Father Figure and although it has nothing to do with the romance, it is very sweet.  Mom gives approval for the match.  Marcus and Andi smooch.

Now, normally at this part of the show we would all be headed back to LA for some rose drama.  But first, the terrible part.  This was the week during filming that Eric died. And now we get to watch everyone find out.  And it is terrible to watch.  Chris has them all come over to his house, he breaks the news, and they all sit there trying to process it.  Then the fourth wall breaks and the crew comes in and everyone is hugging and comforting each other.  And, listen, we can be all cynical about this, but then you hear Andi tearfully regretting that the last conversation she had with Eric was her sending him home.  Ouch.  Ouch to all of this.

OK, but forget that.  Because it’s rose ceremony time.  (For the record, the rose ceremony takes place the day after they get the news about Eric.  But it is still hard for them.  As they tell us.) Andi and Chris have a sit down before the ceremony.  “It’s been tough this week because of Eric, but you have a decision to make.  Are you afraid you’ll make a mistake?”  !!!!!

So, OK!  Let’s hand out roses.  The music is extra-dramatic.  Andi cries.  She leaves.  She leaves her mic on.  Chris Harrison gently rubs her shoulder, as the producers instructed him to.  And boy howdy is it awkward for the men, standing there waiting for her to be done crying!  She should probably send one of them home.

So she does.  Roses for:

Dr. Teeth, bien sur.

Farmer Chris, yay?  That ain’t gonna work, farm-wise, but yay for him for now.

Nick.  Meanie Weenie Nick.  Meanie Weenie Nick in the pink wool sports coat.

So, good-bye Marcus.  This has been a shitty week for you.  But your family is nice now!  You are very polite to sit there while Andi cries and tells you what a nice guy you are.  She was not your everything, which you will soon come to realize.  “I shouldn’t have told her I loved her.”  Saddest Limo Comment Ever???  Marcus!  Let me hold you!  Platonically!

And that’s it!

Next week: Fantasy Suite!  Remember how well that went last time?

Ees Okay


No Kissing Zzzzone – Bachelorette Episode 7

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Bonjour!  And hello in all the other languages that are spoken in Belgium!  Because that is where we are on this week’s romantic episode of the Bachelorette.

Brussels: the perfect city to fall in love.

Right from the get-go (right from the Allons-Y?), Nick is all over the fact that he loves Andi the most, and I am sensing a heavy subtext of I’m-Not-Here-To-Make-Friends.  But sorry, Nicky, Marcus gets the one-on-one.

Marcus is so excited!  He puts on his best pink shirt and his best European-style scarf, and meets Andi (who is wearing a poncho!) for an Explore-The-City Date.

So excited.

They get chocolate!  They take terrible selfies!  They eat mussels!  They address his earlier attempt to leave, which I guess was last episode!  But it wasn’t because he wasn’t feeling Andi, it was because his feelings are so strong, a fact he discovered by journaling! They discuss journaling further!  Then they eat ice cream!  Then they go to dinner!

So much eating.  This MAY be my dream date.

Fortunately for Marcus and his qualifications for Hometowns, he has a sad story.  Andi won’t meet his father, because, like a country song, his father packed his bags and runned off.  Marcus is very worried that Andi will not like that his father isn’t there.  Andi, like a person from the 21st century, does not hold this against Marcus.  Also, apparently Marcus’s mother used to beat him, but they’re OK now.  And he is soul mates with Andi.  They smooch.

I simultaneously hope and do not hope that he makes it through.

Dr. Teeth gets the next Wan-Wan (One on One – remember?).  He is wearing a hoodie with nothing underneath it.  Nick is mad.  (About the date, not the hoodie.  Right?  Right, Nick???) Dylan is now wearing his hair in a bun.

???

And that is your Bachelor Hotel Fashion update.

But before the fellas can tuck in for the night, Marcus comes back from his date and Nick is sooooo mad!  But he gets an idea!  Surely Andi is in the same hotel!  He convinces a nice Belgian hotel lady to give him a key to Andi’s door!  (I’m just going to assume the producers set that up.  Surely it’s not that easy?  Except in the movies.)

WHAT A COMPLETE AND TOTAL SURPRISE

Gosh, Andi is so surprised to see him!  “Is anything wrong?” she asks, and that makes Nick feel good.  She is having a heart attack, and Nick feels good about that.  She recovers, and they hold hands and go for a walk in the cold Belgian night.  She is not upset about Nick breaking the rules.  “It’s week seven, come on over.”  Be prepared, watchers of Future Bachelor Seasons, for future contestants will jump the hell out of that shark.

Anyway, they gaze lovingly into each others’ eyes, they smooch, it’s all very romantic and passionate and “so hot,” says Andi, and the other dudes are going to HATE Nick so hard.  But so far nobody knows because, unbelievably, Nick did not hold it over his fellow contestants’ heads.  Excellent restraint!

Andi barely has time to wipe Nick’s drool off her chin before it’s time for her to explore Ghent with Dr. Teeth.  Much chocolate!  Goose parade!  Oh, those Belgians!

GIANT BELGIAN GEESE.

But though Andi is having fun, she is concerned.  Because Dr. Teeth has fun with everybody.  How will she know that she is special to him?  Dr. Teeth is not good at being vulnerable, he says with a carefully constructed look of vulnerability.  And that’s the answer.  Then they go to church and light a candle and Dr. Teeth bursts into flames for being a self-idolator, but not before they smooch a little.

Ghent has conveniently made a castle available for a romantic dinner, and Andi goes in looking for an expression of genuine emotion  Well, here it is:  He hates it!  He hates seeing her with other men!  He was mad about the lie detector, which is from the episode I missed.  “I’m not too good to be true,” he tells her and I vomit.

“I am falling in love with you,” says Dr. Teeth, “And that is why it is important for you to meet my family.”  Also, he has perfect teeth, so it is important for him to win.  Then there is an extended shot of them smoochin’ in the fog.  And, oh, look, an English-speaking band is performing in the street!  What a great opportunity to dance and smooch.  His teeth glow in the dark.  Like my heart.

Seriously, his teeth are glowing.

 Group date!  Group date, and the only date with a rose!

So, it’s Dylan, Brian, Farmer Chris, and Nick, who immediately starts bitching about Group Dates.  The fellas meet Andi at an old castle in the countryside, and Andi tells them all about it.  She really did her homework!

Enough history!  It’s time for a physical challenge!  The dudes and their thighs get up on a Rail Bike and drive her on up to a monastery.

Not pictured: the cast of the Bachelorette

There is but one rule in this active monastery: no kissing.  That is the only rule in the entire monastery.  But the monks are not against other people’s romance, and they have kindly set up a table with some beer (hooray, Catholics!) and The Rose.

Farmer Chris, the Secret Admirer, takes Andi to go make some pottery.  It’s OK to get sexxy with it, though, because it is off the monastery grounds.  Insert Patrick Swayze etc.

But for reals, do we see Andi living on a farm?

Dylan gets some Face Time, but we don’t see it because everyone is too nervous re: the rose.  The one who gets the rose not only automatically gets to Home Towns, but also gets to stay on the date while the other dudes go home.

Pressure increased, Brian spends his Face Time laying it all on the line, Falling-In-Love-wise  He has never said that to anyone.  So sweet, says Andi.  And we all say good-bye.

Nick is really confident in his appeal to Andi.  He can feel her falling in love with her, he tells her!  She loves it!  And…he gets the rose!  And he’s totally modest about it.  The other three discuss it while smooshed in the backseat of a Belgian station wagon.  Nick.  There’s something about him, they all agree.  Back at the hotel, the consensus is that Nick is going to get to the end, and then “walk away.”

What dramatic imaginations these fellas have!

Meanwhile, right outside the monastery, Nick is introducing Andi to the exotic game of “this or that,” which she has never heard of and is dazzled by.  “Big or small,” he asks, and they dissolve into giggles because he is talking about PENIS.  Then she has a magnificent surprise, which is fireworks.  They smooch it out.

When Nick comes back to the hotel, all the guys are still up and it’s nothing but fun times, as nobody will look at anyone else or talk to anyone else or be grown ups.  Except for Brian, who starts the deluge of accusations: Nick is playing the game, he can’t be trusted, he knows the past seasons too well.  “Is she the priority or is it the game?” asks Farmer Chris, and Nick is required to prove that it is not true.  “You’re disrespecting the whole process.  We’re here to fall in love, not to play the game.  You’re not here for the right reasons,” says Farmer Chris.  Brian says some dumb stuff and loses his cool, Nick rebuts that he is only thinking about Andi and he just handles it differently than everyone else, which is the defense of every Bachelor villains ever.

The conversation goes on for forty seven hundred minutes.

And then: Rose ceremony time!  In a castle!  Everyone is so nervous!  Everyone but Nick, who has a rose and is a jerk.  All the boys go hard during Face Time, but I think Farmer Chris wins for earnestness and sincerity.  Those cornfed Midwestern boys.  What are you gonna do?

The loser is Brian, whose Face Time gets interrupted by Nick so he can mumble at her about how tough it is for a few more minutes.  Nick cries!  In the confessional, he cries!  Are they crocodile tears?  Cuz it sure looks like he dropped a bottle of Visine up in there.

But then OH NO!  Farmer Chris pulls Andi outside to tell her what a villain Nick is!  Nope, fake out!  He just wants to kiss her.  That Farmer Chris.  He’s got some stuff up his sleeve.

As Andi prepares to hand out the roses, she explains why she is obsessed with the guys’ families.  It is their truth, she tells them!  She would never disrespect someone’s family by meeting them if she wasn’t serious!  Bachelor morality, how I love ye.

OK! Roses go to:

Nick, who Twitter considers to be a psychopath

Dr. Teeth

Marcus, who I consider to be a psychopath

Farmer Chris

 

So good-bye Dylan!  Your hair just kept getting stranger!  Tears!  Tears all around!  Good-bye Brian!  Sorry you weren’t more forward!  Josh just gave you a kiss on the cheek!  “You’re so sweet,” Andi tells him, and he literally scoffs.  Scoffs!  Brian, one does not scoff at the girl of your dreams!  Even though she just broke your heart.

Next week: Hometowns!  Tears!

I leave you with this:


Wait, you don’t wash your hands after that?!!!

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Prepare to be disappointed:  Sarah is on leave this week, so you have a guest-blogger for the Bach, episode 6.  I — Professor Olivia Applegoose, Department of Bachelor Studies — am a frequent commenter on Sarah’s blog, but I do not take notes during the episodes or remember all of the details to take you through the show in Sarah Title fashion.  Instead, I’ll retell the narrative of episode 6 in my own way, remembering some things, forgetting others, and probably making other shit up.  I hope you don’t mind.

 

So, the gang meets in Venice, and everyone surprisingly concludes that this city is the perfect place to fall in love.

 

 

 

The guys all figure that the first date card will sport Cody’s name, since he is the only guy who hasn’t enjoyed a group date with our Fair Lady.  But, no!, it is that asshole Nick on the card, and everyone is baffled and pissy about it.  In her voiceover, Andi insists that the guys will need to learn to trust her decisions, and that she feels like she needs to clear things up with Nick after the difficulties on last week’s group date.  But, first, pigeons!

 

 

 

Nick, sensing Andi’s motives, quickly brings up the group date during a romantic gondola ride – another big surprise when in Venice! – and assures Andi that he will do much better on any future group dates.  Over the course of the day and the evening, Nick convinces Andi (and me, actually) that he is a self-aware guy, willing to take responsibility for his mis-steps.  But I know that the show, and the other guys, want me to think differently!  It’s never a good sign when there’s a guy that no one seems to like, but I haven’t been convinced yet that their concerns are legit.  Of course, I only see a tiny fraction of what goes on, so what the hell do I know?

 

Anyways, successful date.  Rose won.  This dude’s going to be here awhile.

 

The group date card comes, and everyone is happy that Cody is not on the list.  He’ll have a romantic one-on-one!  (Gotta love a show where a one-on-one date is a special treat.  Instead of, say, 8-on-one.)  But, for now, the rest of the guys – JJ, Josh, Marcus, Dylan, Chris, and Brian – get to take a lie detector test.  What fun!  Here are the inspectors:

 

 

Josh is especially uncomfortable with the theme of this date, and he continues to come off as if he’s not the nice guy he pretends to be.  Anyways, all of the guys, and Andi, take their tests and get the results.  Everyone has lied.  While the whole gang is discussing whether or not to look at the results, Brian grabs Andi’s and voraciously opens the envelope to discover what she lied about.  And, after hearing the results, it’s clear that the lies are sort of wishy-washy – like she said that Venice was her favorite city but maybe wasn’t completely sure that she felt that way as she was saying it.  Menteuse!!!  (That’s the French word for “liar”; Italian would be more appropriate, but I don’t know any.)  Despite Brian’s actions, Andi decides to rip up the envelope and leave the guys’ responses secret.  Because she trusts them!  Or just wants the lies to come out in a more natural way!  All of this actually is done light-heartedly and in fun, but Josh still has a chip on his shoulder about the whole thing and tells Andi.  Even though she ripped up the frickin’ results.  Get over it, Josh!  Andi agrees.

 

Tough conversation: Josh told Andi that he wasn't comfortable with the lie detector test

 

I don’t remember everything from the group date, partially because I was bored and was cutting vegetables to fill the void.  But here goes:  Dylan has a tummy ache and goes home (Hungover?  Plus, we also learn that he doesn’t wash his hands after he poops and has slept with over twenty women.  That surprises me about him.); Chris is the secret admirer on a show where everyone technically is admiring, not in secret; Brian likes to congratulate his friends on getting a rose, but JJ doesn’t like that; Josh can’t let go of the lie detector test; blah, blah, blah.  So, yes, Secret Admirer Chris gets the rose.  This is a sweet guy with Andi, but we also see that he is not shy to voice his opinion with the guys.  He was all over JJ’s ass after the Pantsapreneur chided Brian for offering congratulations to fellow contestants for rose-winning.  In other words, Chris is not all sweetness it seems.  Which is probably good, since I was feeling like he might be a little too nicey-nicey.  That guy never wins.

 

Next, Cody has his individual date.  I think they were answering love letters from people who write to a sort of Ann Landers-like Juliette character?  Because they’re in the setting of Romeo and Juliette?  (Still cutting vegetables.)  Cody responds, in the guise of Juliette, to one love-struck Romeo with a sweet letter and then tells Andi how he identifies with the feelings in the letter.  Andi looks at him with a “Awww, how cute!” face – and maybe even says that – which is unintentionally condescending and does not bode well for Cody.  By the time we get to the romantic evening, Cody spills his guts about how strong his feelings are and how he wants to introduce her to his family.  As he continues to gush, Andi looks sadder and sadder, the viewer gets more and more uncomfortable, and Cody, strangely, takes it up a notch.

 

 

I mean, if you’re professing your feelings to someone who clearly has an unhappy look on her face, the correct next step is NOT to escalate and verge on begging.  Poor, poor Cody.  So, Andi, out of respect for Cody and a desire to perform her own virtue, stops the blonde behemoth and tells him to skedaddle.   It’s quite sad and pathetic.  Cody seems like a very nice guy, but I was having a hard time getting past his uber-douchy wardrobe, so I’m OK with his departure.

 

The cocktail party is nothing special, and then we get to the rose ceremony.  I am thinking either Dylan or JJ is going home, and then Dylan gets the first rose.  Apparently she sees something in him that I don’t.  And, after all, she never found out that he doesn’t wash his hands after pooping.   And so JJ goes, and we move on to the last week before hometowns, with these chaps remaining:

 

Chris the Farmer

 

Dr. Teeth, aka Josh

 

Marcus (whose name makes me sad he’s not Marquel instead)

 

Nick

 

Dylan

 

Brian

 

Thanks for reading!  Sarah shall return for the next episode!  Unless you all love me so much that you would like me to take over her blog, and her romance writing career!

 

 


The Villain Gets the Rose…Again – Bachelorette Episode 5

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This episode of the Bachelorette was brought to you by the letter V for Villains, both real (i.e. producer-condoned/created) and imagined (i.e. I am the only one who has thusfar identified their villianhood!).

It is also brought to you by the letter Marseille, which is not a place I ever would have thought to visit, but now I want to go there.  I want to go there!  Je parle un peu de francais!  Is that even right!

ANYWAY..  Marseille, like Connecticut, is the Perfect Place to Fall in Love.  This is good news for Dr. Teeth (that is my new name for Josh!  Who I believe to be a Future Villain!), who gets the first one-on-one date.  And in a foreign land, the first one-on-one date always involves walking around, fulfilling obligations to the tourism board, and generally noticing how funny things that are foreign are.

But first Andi and Chris Harrison have a little tea date.  Chris is wearing a januty turtlenect sweater under his wool blazer.  “Are you falling in love?” he asks.  “Stooop…don’t ask me that,” she responds like a girl who is ready for love.  I’m not sure what the point of that segment was, except to show Chris’s turtleneck, much of which was made on social media.  So I dutifully report back.  Hashtag dutiful.

Back to the competition.  Dr Teeth is beyond excited for his Wanh-Wanh, which is how he says One On One. “I guess your wedding is like the Super Bowl, but this is like a really big playoff game,” says Dr. Teeth, who is An Athlete.  Which he and Andi discuss as they explore the town and also go on a boat.  “I could definitely play again, but I don’t want to,” says Dr. Teeth, humbly, because he wants to start a family. “What are you really good at?” he asks Andi.  “Mind games,” she says with a laugh.

They smooch.

The rest of the date is spent with Dr. Teeth humble-bragging and Andi agreeing with everything he says.  They have a connection!  But Andi is concerned that he could be like Juan Pablo, and ew.  She says “ew.”

Eees okay.

Meanwhile, back at the house, JJ reveals to Marquel that Pacey referred to Ron and Marquel as “the two blackies.”  Or, JJ admits, maybe “the two black guys.”  He just knows that Pacey was mean!  Marquel wants to confront Pacey, but he’s going to sleep on it, which is not at all how this game is played.  But then he gets serious and emotional about it, and about people seeing him as “the black guy” and it is quite moving, actually.  They should show that footage to Pacey.

Mean-meanwhile, Andi is waiting for the mental-emotional connection with Josh.  Josh is so nervous!, he tells Andi.  “You’re my type,” says Andi, and that’s bad because she went out with an athlete who cheated on her.  But Dr Teeth felt her judging him!  But once he went out with a girl who kissed another guy!  He loved his last girlfriend, but he didn’t love her enough to marry her!  They just said it!  The next time he says “I love you,” he’s really gonna mean it.

!!!!!

Thank you, Internet.

Whatever.  Smooch, private concert, rose, etc.

And now: Comedy!  Except for Marquel struggling with how he will say only nice things to Pacey.  No problem!

Marcus, Dylan (PS Does Dylan have Ben hair??), Farmer Chris, Cody, JJ, Marquel, Nick, Patrick, and Pacey are going to learn…Mime!  OK!

“There are no mimes in Iowa,” says Farmer Chris, and I love him.  They learn to mime from a nice old mime guy, but it’s hard!  It’s a lot of work!  Good thing nobody can see them!

HA HA GOOD ONE.  They put on cute little tight shirts and hit the streets of Marseille.  (Why is Andi’s shirt sheer and lacy?)  (And why is she in heels?)  (I know, fine.)

This is more painful to watch than the Boyz II Men Date.

Marquel makes a baby cry.

But then, miracle of miracles, things turn around.  Marquel is super-cute with another kid and my ovaries fall out.  Cody gets super into it.  Everyone is having so much fun!

Except for Nick.  “Sulky, sulky Nick,” says Andi, not to his face.

“This would be a really fun date for me and Andi.  But I’m not going to pretend that this is fun and natural,” he says, explaining his Bad Attitude.  Do you really think a mime date would be fun if it was just the two of you, Nick?  Also, have you not seen this show before.

But there’s no time for that!  It’s time for the Group Date Dinner!  JJ grabs her for a quick ten-mile walk to a Ferris Wheel, which seems like a long Face Time, but what do I know.

Here they are in the Ferris Wheel, AKA My Nightmare.

It is just enough time to solidify (re: not solidify) the Drama.  Cody doesn’t like how Nick thinks he is better than everybody else.  Or is he just having trouble breathing because his shirt is so tight.  But then, here comes Marcus.  “You’re not being a gentleman,” he tells Nick, who is better than everybody else.

Farmer Chris is the one to bear the bad news to Andi, that her Boys are not Getting Along.  Andi wants to hear about the drama because her husband would tell her anything.  But Farmer Chris still doesn’t want to throw shade, which is nice.  So she doesn’t know that Nick is a Baby (although she might know that, based on how he acted during the date) or that Pacey is an Insensitive Racist.

Meanwhile, Cody is arguing with Nick but I cannot for the life of me understand a damn thing he says.  But he sure gets up in Nick’s face!  You don’t mock Cody.  You don’t tease him.  That’s no way to be a man.

Cody’s way of being a man, it turns out, is to tell Andi that he is “not saying anything bad about Nick,” and then to completely say bad stuff about Nick.  Also, manliness is referred to.

So Andi confronts Nick.  “I had fun today,” he lies to her face.  “You’re salty,” she says.  Is that what salty means?  He for sure has assy face, which is an expression I just learned in doing research for my new book.  Nick cops to mocking Cody, but also downplays it.  Is he a manipulator?, she asks.  Maybe, but he is definitely not the secret admirer.  (Who is it???  I for sure thought it was him.  I hope it’s Marquel.)  However, Nick wrote her a poem.  Is that a poem?  Whatever, it got him a smooch, although I felt it was a pity smooch.  Pity poetry smooch.

But enough smooching.  Now it’s time for Marquel to confront Pacey, which he does it in front of everyone (except Andi).  “That is the most absurd thing I’ve ever heard in my life,” says Pacey of referring to Marquel and Ron as the “blackies.”  As a man, Marquel is upset.  Also, as a human, but I don’t want to put words in his mouth.  Pacey thought they were friends.  He gives people the respect they deserve, and this is bullshit.  Why has somebody “decided to make a statement”?  Marquel is all, fine, OK, I spoke my truth, let’s move on.

So even though Pacey does not admit to having said the terrible thing and instead tries to deflect by questioning Marquel’s friendship and then the loyalty of his housemates, Marquel said what he needed to say and now it is over.

I love him.

Also, I think Dylan has a crush on Marquel.  As does Patrick.  And, maybe, if he really looks deep into his heart, so does Pacey.

Wouldn’t that be a fun twist!

But, no.  Instead, Pacey brings the drama to Andi, because that is what a husband would do.  He questions if he should even be in this competition.  Andi is all, what does that have to do with us?  Which, ha ha, nice try fishing for a compliment there, Pacey.

Anyway, whatever, JJ gets the rose.  Even though he was the one who stirred all this poop.  “Some people are probably pretty pissed off that I have this rose right now,” says JJ, proving that he is a Secret Villain!  Also, a Correct Villain, in that Nick is super-pissed that he did not get a rose.  Oh, Nick.  Salty, salty Nick.

Oh, hey!  Did you know there is one more date on this episode?  I know!

It’s Brian!  He and Andi are to have a cooking date, which he is not thrilled about since he does not know how to cook.  But first: product placement for some movie about how quaint people from different cultures are.  Then: Shopping in the Market.  Then:  Back to Andi’s for a smooch.

Nope, not a smooch at all.  It is Back to Andi’s for the Worst Date Ever.  They are trying to cook frogs legs, what with being in France and all.  Andi is game to try the recipe.  She looks forward to Brian being Manly and Putting his Arms around her as she slices whatnots.But Brian seriously does not like cooking.  It’s not even that he does not enjoy it.  It’s like cooking killed his first puppy.  It’s not at all like the movies!  And then the food tastes bad.  Metaphor!

Pictured: Two People Having A Great Time

So in the end, Andi and Brian go out to dinner.  But Brian is all off his game!  The cooking threw him off!  Even though – wasn’t he off his game last time?  When he made that half-court shot and didn’t smooch her?  But Andi has learned to take Brian’s bull by his horns, and they smooch a whole bunch.  This is enough to get him a rose, despite being a total canard through the whole date.  Then they go back to the restaurant’s kitchen to make out and the health department comes and shuts them down.

One of my fave Bach jokes.

Anyhoo, it’s time for the Cocktail Party.  But, guys, the Sad Drama Music happens.  Chris H greets Andi and her new gigantic hairdo.  She wants to talk.  She doesn’t want a cocktail party!  She wants to cut three guys!  Cut them hard!  ROSE CEREMONY TIME.  Stone-cold sober, bitches.

PS Why does Andi look like she’s winding up for a pitch when she hands out the roses? Also, Resting Bitch Face.

Roses for:

Dr. Teeth

JJ

Brian, Who Does Not Cook

Marcus

Salty, Sulky Nick

Farmer Chris

Dylan

Cody

 

And then, in my notes, I wrote LIFE IS OVER.  She chose CODY over MARQUEL!  What the!

Anyway.  Good-bye, Pacey.  Yes, sure, you have been bullied.  Bye.  Good-bye, Patrick.  You still seem a little like a serial killer to me.  “I’ve heard from multiple people, not just girls, that I have qualities that make me paramount to being a husband,” he tells us on the way out.

And good-bye Marquel.  You’re right.  It wasn’t in God’s plan.  Nor was it in the producers’ plans, because this is a show for white people.  I will miss your fashion and your smile.  But please stop crying about this.

Because I will never stop crying about it.  I will cry for both of us.

Montage music:

*Record Scratch* What the!

Up next: Venice!  I went there once!  I wonder how my experience compares.  Probably pretty similar, in that I did not travel with any people of color.  (Because I went by myself.)  (But still.)

PS. There was also a commercial for the new show, Bachelor in Paradise, which I guess is like Bachelor Pad but with sand in your butt crack.  And Marquel is going to be on it!  I do not feel great about this.  Also, Clare will be on it, because Clare has never had any problems related to beaches and smooches.

I’m just too upset.

CODY over Marquel???


Are You Trying to Tell Me That Some Women Are Good at Sports??? – Bachelorette Episode 4

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I was going to call this Episode 3.2, but I changed my mind since this is technically the fourth episode and not just a continuation of Episode 3.1. And this was a super-weird episode, so it deserves its own number.  Sorry if that’s boring.

You know what is exciting?  CONNECTICUT! Beautiful, romantic, Connecticut.

Once my Girl Scout Troop had an overnight trip on a schooner at Mystic Seaport.  Not that romantic, to tell you the truth.  But, despite having grown up in New Jersey, that is the only time I visited Connecticut.  Also, this guy I had a huge crush on in high school went to Yale.  But I never visited him.  Because why would you visit Connecticut?

Unless you are a pig farmer from Iowa.  Connecticut is “someplace I’ve always wanted to visit,” says Farmer Chris, bless his heart.

Dylan gets the first date card!  He hasn’t had a one on one yet.  And he has a lot of sad story to tell, if you remember from last night.  (Two siblings who died of overdoses.)  But first, there is fun to be had.  Dylan and Andi board a steam train, where they “might pick up a little steam.”  They will certainly drink.  Also admire the scenery.  Also, talk about losing siblings to drugs.

Dylan cries, which I hate to see, but I also love to see.  Two siblings dead, no dad in the picture.  Andi also cries.  She feels bad, and she feels bad that she made Dylan feel bad for reliving.  He gets the rose.

Why am I including this picture of Dylan crying?

Enough sadness!  Let’s have a group date!  Basketball!  “Get sweaty and look like a man,” says Andi.  So Pacey, Dr. Teeth (that’s Josh – get it?), Marquel, Macklemore (that’s Cody, formerly Tin Tin), Brian, who is a basketball coach, Farmer Chris, JJ, Tasos, Eric (sad!), Nick, and Patrick.  That’s a big group of guys!

And then WOMEN come out.  They are from the WNBA!  Are women good at sports?  I think we had this joke last time we had a Bachelorette.  And guess what, the Professional Basketball Players won, in spite of their ovaries.

Here come the hot stepper.

To defend their honor, the boys split up into the Five of Hearts and the Rosebuds.  “These guys mean it,” says Andi of a room full of competitive, athletic men.  They take it so seriously!  They are peeing all over the court!  Metaphorically only.  And it’s a tie game!  Sudden death!  Rosebuds win!  “I’m not a sore loser,” says Dr. Teeth, who then acts like a sore loser.  But that’s only because, as the losing team, the Five of Hearts do not get a non-sports date with Andi.  Even though they fought the hardest!  Even though they hustled the hardest!

How could they lose with that groovy logo? Not shown: Josh’s teeth.

Meanwhile, the Rosebud party in the shower.

Also, I just learned that Rosebud can refer to a certain part of one’s posterior.  Education!

But enough learning.  It’s time for the after party!  Andi particularly wants to talk to Eric.  Their relationship has stalled, and she wants to find out why!  It’s too formal, he says.  Too formal for us to move forward.  But it is formal, says Andi.  The end.

Andi is sort of acting like a crazy drama queen, but that might be my looking through the hindsight lens wherein I know he is dead.  Side note: he was raised Mormon!  But now he’s not Mormon, even though his family is. </sidenote>

Andi and Brian have some one on one time, wherein Andi acts out her Sexxxy Coach Fantasy back on the basketball court.  Brian says she looked sexxxy in her warm-ups.  Then he makes a half-court shot. Andi’s panties fall off.  But Brian didn’t get it.  He didn’t go in for the kiss.  The coach has no game.  Get it?

Nick, on the other hand, has a surprising amount of game, or at least Andi just like super-likes him.  They make out.  He wakes up thinking about her, he says, but not to her.  He wants a rose, but just for validation.  And for love?  Nope, just validation.

But it’s Brian!  Brian gets the rose!

And now…it is finally time for Marcus’s dreams to come true, aka he finally gets a one-on-one date.  See now, Andi is afraid of heights.  So they go to the roof of their hotel for a Leap of Faith, which entails rappelling down the side of said hotel.   They are both terrified.  And it’s windy!  This metaphor is so fun!  Andi freaks out.  Marcus keeps his cool, because he is the Man, and the Man Cannot Freak Out.  For reals, he does a nice job of talking her down.  If this was real life, they would totally bone after this.  Instead, they have dinner at a rustic inn.  (CONNECTICUT)

I just want to say if someone told me this was our date, I would say F YOU and that would be that.

“Is there a single bad thing about Marcus?” Andi asks, while Marcus surreptitiously snips a lock of her hair and puts it in a gold envelope.  And…he gets a rose.  And a free, contractually-obligated concert from Jon Pardi!  He is falling in love!  Week 4.  Falling in love.  He tells her.  She is happy.  And that’s the point of the show!

Later, Andi is just sitting on the couch, contemplating the process.  When lo, there is a knock at the door!  A secret admirer!  Writing a grown sexxxy poetic letter!  She loves it.  A secret admirer.  In a room full of guys who are trying to marry her.

But who is secretly in love with her, as opposed to the men who are openly in love with her?  This makes Andi feel confident that she is on the right path, process-wise.  So now it’s cocktail party time.

Tasos gets some Face Time.  He opens up.  She likes the cute things he does.  Coach Brian interrupts to take her back to the basketball court for a smooch.  Victory!  Marquel assures his connection by asking her to choke him?  What the.  Eric’s Face Time involves mild panic that they are not progressing, and that he needs more feedback.  He is sharing!, he says.  You’re not sharing with me!  I like the real Andi!  “I came here to meet a person, not a TV actress.”  “You think I’m a TV actress,” she asks, pursing her lips.  And she blows up.  And he likes it. He likes her spark, her fire.  But then he stops liking it.  Because she keeps going.  She has never been so offended in her life.  She has never had anyone be on a TV show with her and suggest that part of this process is not conducive to absolute sincerity.

And she sends him home.  Sorry, Dead Guy.

“I am EXHAUSTED,” she says 500 times to the remaining fellas.

Chris Harrison interrupts the rose ceremony to interview Andi about Eric and how he is dead.

There’s like half an hour of this.

But also, during the rose ceremony that we don’t see, Tasos went home.

And now I have nothing the world to be sad about!


I’ll Make Love To You (After We’re Married) – Bachelorette Episode 3.1

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Hey, remember the Bachelorette?  It’s a show I recap.  I am very behind.

Stop talking about my behind.

So, OK, listen.  Two weeks ago we had a two-night special event, which was just two regular episodes back to back, and then a one-hour montage show this past Monday.  I don’t understand why, but I ain’t the director of programming for ABC, so whatevs.

The point is…Dates.

We’ve been in Los Angeles long enough, says the world, so Andi travels to…Santa Barbara!  Which is driving distance from Los Angeles, but whatever.  The Date Card is still at the Bachelor House, and the Date Card tells the fella that Nick (the Last Nick Standing) is the first lucky fella to get the one-on-one.  They go bike riding!  Helmets, of course!  Also, Andi in flip flops!  Their special date is to “be normal,” which means bike-riding, mild ocean-frolicking, a nice hike.

Meanwhile, back at the house, the boys are starting to dissect it all.  Andrew and the guy with the hairy chest (and ABS) (who is that guy?) discuss Nick.  Is he real?  Or is he playing a game?  Seriously, boys, if this is how he plays the game, he gets an F+.  This boy ain’t no playa.

Instead, on his date-hike, he admits his skepticism and his difficulty with not knowing where he stands.  So, basically, he is Sharleen.  Andi advises him to just say how you feel and figure it out.  Which, helpful.  But Nick has a crush on her.  She finds his skepticism cute.  They hike more with their wine glasses, and cuddle and watch the sky.

But enough normal!  Time for fancy dress dinner (although is he wearing a Members Only jacket?  With extra collar?  What the?).  All of Nick’s friends are married.  Why isn’t he, Andi asked.  He was too immature, he says.  Good talk.

Good jacket.

So, Nick apparently has game?  At least enough game to get the Date Rose and a Smooch.  Andi feels Tingles.  Boring!

Let’s move on, and move on we shall, to the Group Date.  Brian, Marquel, Beefcake Codie, Tasos, Hipster Brett, Ron, Bradley,  Josh, Eric (waa), Andrew, Patrick, and Marcus.  Everyone is psyched, except for Marcus, who is mad that he has not had a one-on-one date.  It’s Week 3, Brah.  Chill it out.

“Let’s start things off on the right note,” says the Group Date Card, and Bradley is So Excited because he is an Opera Singer.  He spends the entire limo ride to the venue Warming Up, and by that I mean singing and being embarrassing, although none of the others are bothered by it.  Which does not mean they are impressed by him; rather, they are just not threatened by him.  I mean, right?

Suave, but non-threatening.

Andi needs someone who can jump into something and have fun; this means Metaphor Date.  Yay!  It also apparently means BOYZ II MEN WHY IS MY YOUTH COMING BACK TO ME ALL OF A SUDDEN.  PS. How many of you had “End of the Road” as some kind of graduation song?  Just wondering.  I hope it’s all of you.

Anyway, the challenge involves singing with Boyz II Men and our Bachelor Brahs are PSYCHED.  They high-five and back-slap and love0make to each other.  “I’m pretty sure I touched my first butt to ‘I’ll Make Love to You’ in seventh grade,” says Eric and I love him and I’m sad.

Bradley wets his pants in glee.

Then they all try to sing and I can’t watch.  But they are all bad. Oh, lord in heaven.  Codie, in particular.  Big, Dumb Codie with His Hair and His Neck.  Bless his heart.  Bless all of their hearts.

Also, bless Andi’s heart, because she has to sing, too.  “Oh, she sucks,” says the guy in Boys II Men, sitting right next to Andi.

And then Boyz II Men sing a song that I do not recognize so they must have a new album because I know all of their songs.

OMG BOYZ II MEN

And the fellas dress in competing Boyz II Men Outfits.

Here are Josh’s Teeth and the Outfits.
That’s my new band name.

“This performance is definitely going to separate the boys from the men,” somebody says, and I LAUGH SO HARD BECAUSE I  GET IT.

As predicted, they all suck.  I literally cannot watch Bradley, because he is just not getting that the point of this challenge is to see how he will handle a Challenge, not to see how he is a Singer.  How does that translate to real life, Bradley?  Are you just going to sing your way out of everything?

The other guys.  Well.  They’re enthusiastic. “She should just leave by herself,” says Boyz II Men.  Tra la la.  Meanwhile, Cody is PUMPED.

Please admire how PUMPED Cody is.

Cody gets some alone time, in which Andi strives to make him uncomfortable.  “There has been chatter that you have a girlfriend,” she tells him.  “Whuh?” he replies.  JK!  She’s JK-ing!  Hilarious!  Cody loves it!

Back at the table, fellas are strategizing about the rose.  (P.S. Every time they show Eric, I’m just going to ignore it.)  The general consensus is that Andi is Perfect and the Total Package and some people are already falling for her.  Like Marcus!  Marcus, who goes in for the smooch, but then talks the entire time.  Like, during the kiss.

And then it gets gross, because in my head, Josh M. is a villain.  He was so nervous singing!, he tells her.  He is nervous around Andi!  He wants to kiss her every day!  Ugh, his flirting.  But he gets the smooch.  “I hate when you do that face,” says Andi to Josh, who is pretty much just doing his regular I’m-A-Smooth-Guy Face.  “Unh, I just want to see you all the time,” he says.  Jesus.  This guy.

Stop it.

But whatevs.  The group date rose goes to…Josh!  Ugh. Sorry, Bradley.  And Marcus.  And Josh’s teeth, which we now have to look at.

“Whatever Josh and Andi have is nowhere near what Andi and I have,” says Marcus, gently placing the bunny into the pot.

JJ, Pantsepreneur, finally gets his time to shine, One-on-One Date-Style, and he is psyched. Andi wants a marriage that lasts forever, she says.  But what will they be like fifty years from now?  Let’s put on make-up and find out!

That is the date.

Putting on old person make-up.

The end.

JJ actually makes a pretty convincing old person.

They also go out in public and try to fool people with their old people stooping and shuffling and growling.  Because apparently Andi is going to develop a smoking habit leading up to her old woman-hood.

Oh, the antics!  And the smooches.  When you find your soul matr, it doesn’t matter if you get ugly, says Andi.

(Meanwhile meanwhile, Ron is packing.  A close friend passed away.  Virtually no kind of deal is made of this.  It’s just hugs all around, then he goes.)  (It feels weird that they didn’t exploit this more.)  (That’s why I put it in parentheses.)

Don’t worry, JJ and Andi wash off the olds and have a romantical dinner.  JJ was a nerdy kid who got picked on.  (SURPRISE.)  He has been afraid to let his dork flag fly.  Andi makes him feel freeeeeee!  He gets a rose.

Dylan is concerned that he didn’t get the One On One because he has a Sad Story he would like to explain, which he does to Farmer Chris, and which involves two of his siblings OD-ing (or “dying of drugs”?), and which is a sad story.  I feel suspicious that the producers spend more time on the build-up of his sad-story reveal than they do on Ron’s quick departure, but what do I know? (Everything.)

Cocktail party time!  Ron is gone; it is acknowledged.  “This is real for me,” says Andi, in reference to a man who left because his friend died.  And then her first Face Time is with Eric, and my head explodes.  During their Face Time, a huge bouquet of flowers arrive…from Nick.  She reads the long note and smiles.  And the gentlemen’s agreement is OVAH.  The agreement involving the unspoken rules wherein one brah does not impinge on another brah’s Face Time.  It’s on!  Etc.

Later, Andi pulls Nick aside and they make out.  His feelings are real!  First he doubted, now he feels real.  She feels lucky.

But not all is rainbows in paradise.  (What?)  JJ needs to get something off his pants.  I mean chest!  While at dinner last week, Andrew (aka Pacey) got the hostess’s number and bragged about it in the van.  (So much happens in those vans!  They should put cameras in there or something.)  Josh M. gets involved because if there is one thing he won’t stand for, it’s disrespect.  Also, yellowing teeth.  JJ and Josh M. decide that Pacey needs to be a man or be a coward  Those are the only two choices.  So Josh M and JJ grab Pacey for some Face Time, Man-Style.  Are you Here for the Right Reasons?, they ask, cornering him in a hallway.  Pacey refuses to engage so JJ and Josh M. follow him around the house until he does, and his refusal obvi indicates his guilt.

Now, I’m not saying that the contestants on a show where they are trying to become the love of somebody’s life should be going out and getting the numbers of other gals.  But do we as a viewing public need to be so surprised that a guy who goes on TV to become the love of somebody’s life would be the kind of guy who would do something sleezy, like try to hit it with another girl while he’s beginning a relationship?  But we are.  We are surprised and horrified.  Because we have consumed the Kool-Aid.

Mostly I am excited to watch the Bro’s Moral Outrage and Chest Beating and Righteous Yet Manly Indignation.

Side Note: AMIRITE??

Pacey hides in his room as the fellas gather outside with their wine glasses.  “We gave him a chance to be a man,” says Josh M.

Please can someone address the gender politics in the comments?

Meanwhile, Marcus gives her a note. He’s moving in the direction of love, unlike everybody else.  He has the best feelings. WHO CARES, MARCUS.

Pacey comes down to address the drama.  He was handed a number.  Did you not brag, asks JJ.  And he gets heated!  Pacey is all, I wasn’t bragging.  I don’t remember bragging.  Nick remembers hearing it!  Pacey is realizing that this is a competition.  He thought they were all in this together!  No he didn’t, but that’s what he said!

OK, roses.  Roses!

Josh

JJ

Nick

Marcus, which is fortunate for all of our safety

Brian

Marquel

Tasos

Beefy Tin Tin

Patrick, who still looks like a serial killer

Farmer Chris, who is growing a mustache?  Surely not  Surely my eyes deceive me.

Eric (sad!)

Sad Story Dylan

PACEY Ooooooo girl.  Watch out.  Two-night special!

So good-bye Mullet Brett.  Did we know anything about you?  You seem nice.  I don’t remember you at all.  Good-bye Opera Bradley.  You are a dork, and this is not your target audience.  Please stop crying.

Next week: Connecticut!  Connecticut???  And then: Drama!  Which we already knew about.